How to Stay Joyful In God’s Plan When Things Are Going Horribly

    I have been cast into despair. Truly. I have never had something make me so utterly emotional in my life. It is hard to think about this topic or discuss it without bringing tears to my eyes. 

    So here it is: 

    In January, Andrew and I got pregnant with a little ball of joy that never came to fruition. Then we got pregnant again this past month to another baby who will never see the light. When we lost our first baby, I felt fine-ish. I was very hopeful. I had been happy pregnant and happy with the time I had with the little baby in my belly, however short it was. I had some rough days, but, nevertheless I was very much in planning mode for when we could start making baby number two. We had shared the news largely when we found out we were pregnant (which was 4 weeks). We were very excited and so were our families/friends. This lead to lots of people that had to be told there would be no baby. We didn’t regret telling anyone. Though it’s not a happy moment to share you lost your baby. I knew I didn’t want to be alone if something bad happened. And it did. With baby two, we took the same philosophy but also I didn’t want to assume something bad would happen. This was very exciting news that we wanted to share. But when we lost that baby I felt very different from the first. We found out baby one wasn’t going to make it at the doctors office at 8 weeks. For baby two, I knew through blood that came at 6 weeks. 

    For those who have never been pregnant, the first ultra sound is a really big deal. You go in the office and you get in your gown and they are going to show you this raspberry sized human. The picture starts showing up, “oh there’s the gestational sac, just gotta zoom in to see baby” the ultrasound tech will tell you. It’s like a long two minutes to then see the baby. But, in our case, there wasn’t one to see. 

    You would think this type of finding out would be so much harder than the second one. I just started cramping with baby two and knew what was happening from my experience with baby one. But I had such a different emotional response this time. I was so numb for days and then I was just utterly broken when it all hit me. Because I have been so open, I then, had to tell everyone and it was so much harder the second time. So much harder to say, “It’s fine. Thank you.” Truly the thought of it, or anything related, really breaks my heart.

    I give all this back story to preface that I really don’t want to talk about this topic. I am utterly sobbing as I write this. But, what would be worse is never talking about it and allowing my pain to be just pain. When I truly believe that God has a very grand plan for our pain. 

    So this begs the questions. 

    How can we be joyful when there is so much to be depressed about? 

    How can we continue to trust God throughout this pain? 

    How can we continue to praise God for what He is doing in our life, when we are really not happy about it? 

    One thing God has given me as a gift over the last few years is peace in His plan. Despite my sadness over our losses. I truly KNOW we are exactly where God wants us and that is something to be joyful about. He is the master of our lives and His plan will far surpass anything I could dream of. 

    Look to Romans 8:28.

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