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Thread: Life

  1. #1
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    Life

    Okay.. no this isn't some confession or struggle with sin (well I guess some people may see it as sin) but I just wanted to get help I guess. I know I've typed a few threads where I've felt lonely or needed some encouragement. But its more than that.. I think alot of it has to do with my trust in God, and theology. Course I grew up in a baptist church, only knowing free will and self righteousness.

    There's alot in my life that is wrong, that needs changing I know that. I constantly cry out to God and of anything I am so thankful for a savior, I'm so thankful for salvation that is NOT dependent upon my good works. When I was in my old church... I tried to be all self righteouess until I fell, and i messed up. Then I felt all ugly inside, like I was no good. I never realized till March that i could still be loved by God in spite of my errors and sins. That He would love me no matter what, you dont realize what a joy that is to me. God means so much to me, yet I'm a sinner and in constant struggle with doing that which is right.

    I don't want to get into the debate on psychology or biblical counseling or what is sound doctrine, etc. But... there's without going into detail alot of pain in my life from past events. In summary I am broken, and I keep trying to hide my past, and escape it.. but there were some people that hurt me, thats all I'll say. And I just want to forget it... somedays I wonder why God allowed such things to happen. And why till this day I deal with depression. Somedays I'm fine, then all of a sudden I'm not. I cant explain my emotions, I want everything to be happy and joyful to be that perfect CHristian girl.. to do what i'm supposed to, to not deal with depression, to know Gods Word to trust God. I know everything I'm supposed to do, and how I am supposed to be. Yet... I'm not, thats reality...

    And all my life I have dealt with depression, I dont know why, well I kinda do. I wish God would take it away and heal me. I dont know if its me that is messing it all up or what. I just know the pain is hard to bear sometimes.. and tonight is one of those nights. There are many days I wish I never existed or wasn't alive.. that I was with God, and all my tears and pain and past was washed away. Somedays this life I live is too hard to deal with....

    Thanks for listening... I'm sure tomorrow I'll be fine, I'll push this aside. Its normally what I do.. I normally just act all okay inside, and like everything will be okay. Well thats what I hope for.. I always try and hope for things to be better, for my pain and depression to be gone for good. Trust me you'll know when that day comes, I'll be overwhelmed with joy when I dont cry myself to sleep.

    Mary
    A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. - Wisdom

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    Re: Life

    Mary,

    My dear young woman, there are many who can relate to you regarding life’s pain and tragedies, I am one of them. It has been difficult, at times, to be around those who have never struggled in the same ways that I do and make depression itself a huge sin that you must repent of immediately and be a happy camper!!

    I believe, with all my heart, that there will be a day for you when the Lord Himself will grant to you growth in understanding and trust in Him for the circumstances of your past and your present so that one day you will be able to thank Him for every circumstance in your life, knowing that He has used each and every one (even the tragic ones) to work for your good and to cause you to look to Him only and it will be then that you will be delivered from depression and will be able to rejoice in your life.

    We are the clay and He molds us all differently, but we know the riches of His glory because we are vessels of mercy.

    Love in Christ,
    Eileen~
    "To those who have no works-phobia, I will state that you are not trembling before the gospel" Robert R. Higby

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    Re: Life

    Mary. Read those letter of Ruth Bryan. They may speaks wisdom to you.
    But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
    GALATIANS 5:22

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    Re: Life

    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    Mary,

    My dear young woman, there are many who can relate to you regarding life’s pain and tragedies, I am one of them. It has been difficult, at times, to be around those who have never struggled in the same ways that I do and make depression itself a huge sin that you must repent of immediately and be a happy camper!!

    I believe, with all my heart, that there will be a day for you when the Lord Himself will grant to you growth in understanding and trust in Him for the circumstances of your past and your present so that one day you will be able to thank Him for every circumstance in your life, knowing that He has used each and every one (even the tragic ones) to work for your good and to cause you to look to Him only and it will be then that you will be delivered from depression and will be able to rejoice in your life.

    We are the clay and He molds us all differently, but we know the riches of His glory because we are vessels of mercy.

    Love in Christ,
    Eileen~
    Thanks Eileen you are right in saying that there are many that make depression a huge sin in itself. Many who have told me its all in my head, many who have talked to me about other spiritual things like there's some sin in my life that is causing my depression. There are some events in my life that could be causing it, but somedays there's nothing. Just feel down, no energy, and it gets to be really frusterating when you want something to go away so badly and it doesn't, it lurks around.

    I've tried everything imaginable over the years from pills to Christian counselors, to friends, even getting a degree myself in psychology. I've cried countless nights to God, asking Him to take this from my life, prayed, read the Bible. Tried my hardest to be a godly women.. I mean as of right now, I just feel like there is nothing I can do. Maybe this is just something I have to learn to deal with.

    Somedays are easier and I can fight it, and still be happy and all is well. Other days it creeps up on me and I have no energy to fight. But it has gotten better over the years, just knowing a few little tricks.. like I go tanning the uv lights are supposed to help some (which they kinda do), I exercise more in the winter, I take walks outside when its sunny. I am almost contemplating trying light therapy, like those light boxes but I don't know. I just learn to deal with it, as if it won't go away though I wish it would.

    I don't know if any of this makes sense... I know people go through hard times, even some who struggle with depression so maybe it does. Just that feeling of wanting something so badly to go away, and yet its still there. I know its for a reason, Gods trying to teach me something and mold me, but some days i don't like it. haha Thanks for listening!

    Mary
    A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. - Wisdom

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    Re: Life

    Why is it that I feel like I can never be good enough? No matter how hard I tried in the past to do what was right, to be that spiritual person it was never enough. Something always had to be changed, something always had to be better. Its the same thing now... no I'm not living in the arminian church, or living a self righteoues life. But why do I still feel like I'm not good enough? Why do I still feel like a misfit... like I'm on the outside looking in? Why cant I be that child that God wants me to be?

    And how come there's hardly anyone I know that will just love me for who I am.. my negatives and my positives. Why is it that though I desire to do good and be this person that God wants me to be, that I still fall short and for some reason dont do the very things that God requires of me.

    All I truly desire is to feel loved and accepted, yet how can one feel accepted when they are constantly supposed to be changing? to becoming more Christ like? Why does it always have to be about performance? Cant someone just merely rest in the Lord? Rest in God when everything else around them seems like its in chaos, when one's own life is not going in the right direction. I mean doesn't God say that He is our stronghold and comfort? Our resting place?

    To be honest.. I dont know much... I dont live this Christian life right, of anything I live a life that is complete opposite of how a Christian should live. The only thing that makes sense to me right now in my life... is Gods Word, His truth. The only thing that makes sense is to be reading His Word. Just am in need of a Savior....


    Thanks,
    Mary
    A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. - Wisdom

  6. #6
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    Re: Life

    Mary, listen to to me, a man who has suffered pain more than you know.

    The LORD bless and keep you, may the LORD lift His countinance upon you and shine on you.

    Hang in there sister.

    Love God with all your heart Mary and if you fail, He will not.

    Your brother David.

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    Re: Life

    Quote Originally Posted by MCoving View Post
    Why is it that I feel like I can never be good enough? No matter how hard I tried in the past to do what was right, to be that spiritual person it was never enough. Something always had to be changed, something always had to be better. Its the same thing now... no I'm not living in the arminian church, or living a self righteoues life. But why do I still feel like I'm not good enough? Why do I still feel like a misfit... like I'm on the outside looking in? Why cant I be that child that God wants me to be?

    And how come there's hardly anyone I know that will just love me for who I am.. my negatives and my positives. Why is it that though I desire to do good and be this person that God wants me to be, that I still fall short and for some reason dont do the very things that God requires of me.

    All I truly desire is to feel loved and accepted, yet how can one feel accepted when they are constantly supposed to be changing? to becoming more Christ like? Why does it always have to be about performance? Cant someone just merely rest in the Lord? Rest in God when everything else around them seems like its in chaos, when one's own life is not going in the right direction. I mean doesn't God say that He is our stronghold and comfort? Our resting place?

    To be honest.. I dont know much... I dont live this Christian life right, of anything I live a life that is complete opposite of how a Christian should live. The only thing that makes sense to me right now in my life... is Gods Word, His truth. The only thing that makes sense is to be reading His Word. Just am in need of a Savior....


    Thanks,
    Mary
    Mary,
    I am old, and have been where you are today.

    Let me relate an experience that I had about twenty years ago, and maybe it will help you.

    I'm going to make it short.

    I was about 40 at the time, and I was very active in studying Gods word, and trying to live a godly life.

    Note that I said trying.

    I prayed regularly, and was a faithful church goer, and all that.

    There wasn't much sin in my life, just little things.

    All was well until one day I noticed that my prayers seemed to have no feeling.

    That got worse and worse as the days went by.

    I got to the point that I felt inside that God didn't care for me much any more.

    The harder I tried to please God the worse I felt.

    Then one day when I was trying to pray, I just confessed to God that I was no good, and I didn't even deserve for Him to answer my prayers.

    I basically confessed to Him that I was nothing, and all I had to hold onto was what Jesus had done for me, and nothing that I had done for Him.

    All of a sudden I felt great joy, and I actually heard a voice within my heart saying "now I can use you".

    I would suggest to you that you are exactly where God wants you to be in your spiritual growth.

    I truly believe what Paul said when he said in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."

    I know I might receive some criticism for what I said, but I believe it to be truth never the less.

    Lynn

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    Re: Life

    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn View Post
    Mary,
    I am old, and have been where you are today.

    Let me relate an experience that I had about twenty years ago, and maybe it will help you.

    I'm going to make it short.

    I was about 40 at the time, and I was very active in studying Gods word, and trying to live a godly life.

    Note that I said trying.

    I prayed regularly, and was a faithful church goer, and all that.

    There wasn't much sin in my life, just little things.

    All was well until one day I noticed that my prayers seemed to have no feeling.

    That got worse and worse as the days went by.

    I got to the point that I felt inside that God didn't care for me much any more.

    The harder I tried to please God the worse I felt.

    Then one day when I was trying to pray, I just confessed to God that I was no good, and I didn't even deserve for Him to answer my prayers.

    I basically confessed to Him that I was nothing, and all I had to hold onto was what Jesus had done for me, and nothing that I had done for Him.

    All of a sudden I felt great joy, and I actually heard a voice within my heart saying "now I can use you".

    I would suggest to you that you are exactly where God wants you to be in your spiritual growth.

    I truly believe what Paul said when he said in Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."

    I know I might receive some criticism for what I said, but I believe it to be truth never the less.

    Lynn
    You know that's an interesting thought I've never really thought of. That I'm exactly where God wants me to be in my spiritual growth. You know how often I hear that I need to do this, fix that, be this type of person, grow in this way, get rid of this, be more like this. I mean I constantly hear about performance, about how I don't measure up. I'm very well aware of me not deserving of Gods grace, how I am nothing and about how much Christ has done for us. Somedays its even hard to believe that God would love me and be pleased with me.

    I know we are to be putting of our old selves, to be obeying God, and living a right life. I know there's so much messed up in my life, that alot of times I pry get depressed because of those things.. because I can't seem to get it right. I dont know how right it is to say, but its a nice thought to think that I'm exactly where God wants me to be in my spiritual growth, that He is pleased with me. I guess somedays I just don't really get how much God loves me. You know what I mean? I'm always getting down or fruserated with myself because I don't do the right thing, and half the time I don't want to even do the right thing. Its so hard to be that person and live that godly lifestyle we are supposed to live.

    Thanks Lynn I appreciate it. Take care and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.

    Mary
    A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. - Wisdom

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    Re: Life

    Mary, remember and dwell on the precious words written by the beloved John>

    9When the headwaiter tasted the water (J)which had become wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the headwaiter called the bridegroom,
    10and said to him, "Every man serves the good wine first, and when the people (K)have drunk freely, then he serves the poorer wine; but you have kept the good wine until now."


    Christ has good wine in store for you MAry. Isnt this the exact opposite of how Satan deals with man? Ah he serves the wine of pleasure first, then you end up drinking gall. But our precious savior is the opposite. In order to appreciate the riches of His Glory, you will drink the sour bitter wine at first, but always remember He keeps the best wine until last.
    But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
    GALATIANS 5:22

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    Re: Life

    Quote Originally Posted by lionovjudah View Post
    Mary, remember and dwell on the precious words written by the beloved John>

    9When the headwaiter tasted the water (J)which had become wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the headwaiter called the bridegroom,
    10and said to him, "Every man serves the good wine first, and when the people (K)have drunk freely, then he serves the poorer wine; but you have kept the good wine until now."


    Christ has good wine in store for you MAry. Isnt this the exact opposite of how Satan deals with man? Ah he serves the wine of pleasure first, then you end up drinking gall. But our precious savior is the opposite. In order to appreciate the riches of His Glory, you will drink the sour bitter wine at first, but always remember He keeps the best wine until last.

    haha Thanks Joe! A post that was very encouraging and pleasant.. much nicer than discussing theologial points that we differ on. Hey even though you have some differences in view, you are pretty nice at times too. Sorry if I was ever kinda rude to you on the forum in our discussions. I know we are all just learning to grow in the Lord and understand His Word. Thanks and hope you have a good day!

    Mary
    A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. - Wisdom

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    Re: Life

    I'm so tired of life... to be honest, I went to a church tonight sat there and worshipped with people who I knew believed in arminism. People who normally I used to think knew God because they professed to knowing Jesus, and having a relationship with HIm because they accepted Him. Is it wrong to want to go back to being naive? I just wish for a church where people new the truth, welcomed each other and sang worship songs. But there isnt any... and none of my friends understand, maybe Kendra is nice to me but she stil doesn't know the truth. Most my friends think I am in rebellion because I dont go to church, one tonight that I saw at Solid Rock Church said it was so nice to see me back in a church. Like I was lost or something... yet I was singing worship songs and I almost started crying because these people were so decieved.

    I cant handle the truth... it makes me so depressed seeing those people, yet I cant go back I know the truth. I just stay away from it and avoid these modern churches. I'm literally sitting here crying... and I hate pain and tears, so much that I feel like i want to throw up right now... yet I'm supposed to be happy and full of joy. WHich I mean I am full of joy and thankful and at peace, yet I cry.. I dont get it.

    Not to mention it seems anytime I do find a believer, who knows the truth like Mike or others that I get close to.. I always seem to mess up the relationship because of my sins.. or lack of acting like a true Christian. I just want to be loved, and the pain to go away, and to act like I am supposed too... to obey God and everything be ok, to be loved and in a church. I wanna find a church where there are true believers, children of God, that love one another and are family, who worship together. Why is that too much to ask? TO have a Christian family and be in a local church?

    Mary
    A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. - Wisdom

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