Summary
This humorous piece parodies responses to the classic logical paradox of whether God can create a rock too heavy for Him to lift, presenting answers from various Christian denominations and perspectives. Rather than offering serious theological argumentation, it satirizes how different traditions—from Calvinist to Catholic, Pentecostal to Presbyterian—would characteristically approach the question based on their distinctive doctrinal emphases and practices. The work gently mocks theological obsessions (liturgical precision, predestination, mysticism) while ultimately suggesting through the elderly Christian's response that God's omnipotence manifests practically in sustaining believers through genuine burdens rather than resolving abstract paradoxes.
Questions Answered in This Article
What does the Bible say about God's omnipotence?
The Bible affirms God's omnipotence, meaning He can do all that He wills without limitation.
Jeremiah 32:17, Matthew 19:26, Ephesians 1:11
How do we know God's sovereignty is true?
God's sovereignty is established through Scripture which depicts Him as the ultimate authority over all creation.
Proverbs 16:9, Ephesians 1:11, Romans 8:28
Why is the concept of predestination important for Christians?
Predestination highlights God's grace in salvation, emphasizing that it is entirely His work and not based on human merit.
Ephesians 1:4-5, Romans 8:29-30, 2 Timothy 1:9
Answers from various quarters to the question, "Can God make a rock too heavy for Him to lift?"
Generic citizen: I thought only the government did stuff like that.
Arminian: Yes, but man can help Him lift it.
Calvinist: The question is irrational, counterintuitive, and absurd. I like it.
Baptist: Well, the rock would probably be lighter if it were totally immersed . . .
Televangelist: Not important. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Personal Savior? If you did then raise your hand.
Charismatic: I'd tell you, but you wouldn't understand.
Word-faith teacher: Yes, but when God started positively confessing, the force of faith would pop that thing 300 feet in the air!
Wesleyan: He could lift it, but there's always the possibility it could fall away.
Methodist: Question and Answer Period is after the two songs, liturgical reading, the doxology, and prayer requests, and before the offering, another song, the Lord's prayer, a closing song, and the benediction. Go back to your seat.
Catholic priest: The rock is held down by weight alone, but not by gravity alone. Rather it's held down by gravity plus mass; gravity without mass is dead. And that's why it's important not to miss mass without a good reason.
Catholic lay person: It's a mystery... Shame on you for asking.
Educated Catholic: You'll have to define 'make' and 'rock' and 'big' within the context of current culture.
Episcopalian: That depends. What did the Catholic say?
Seventh Day Adventist: As long as He didn't do it on the Sabbath, I don't have a problem with that.
Church of Christ member: As long as there were no musical instruments involved, I don't have a problem with that.
Presbyterian: I'll have to take that up with the presbytery...
Eastern Orthodox: Yes, but first the rock must be properly venerated, kissed three times, and then carried around the church in a procession while clouds of incense make it invisible anyway.
Coptic Orthodox: Of course He can — but only after a 40-day fast, a 3-hour liturgy, and the rock has had a small cross tattooed on it.
Sovereign Grace Baptist: The rock will be lifted if and only if it was predestined before the foundation of the world. And if it’s not lifted? Well then, God gets the glory for that too.
Five-year-old: What would He want to do that for, Daddy?
Blonde: Huh?
5th grader: I don't know; the dog ate my R.C. Sproul book.
Private civil attorney: At the time He created the rock, God knew, or should have known, that it would be too heavy for Him to lift. Seven angels had advised Him previously not to make it that big.
Corporate civil attorney: God was well within established standards for divine creativity when He made the rock . . .
Missionary: I don't know about that, but I do know that rocks can be demon possessed. I remember this time in Brazil . . .
OSHA: If the rock is over 50 lbs., He can't legally be required to lift it without help. Over 100 lbs. He's supposed to use a hoist or a forklift.
EPA: Both the creation of a rock that large, and its subsequent elevation, could have significant environmental impact. We can't approve the project without extensive studies.
MBA graduate: This is a good example of what happens when a manager fails to delegate and tries to do everything himself. God should have assigned all the lifting to angels, leaving Him free to do what He does best, the creative stuff -- like creating.
Psychotherapist: What are the rocks you've made in your life that are too heavy for you to lift?
Hindu: The rock IS God.
Mormon: One day you'll be a god, too. So just wait and ask yourself.
Engineering dept. manager: He could make it out of magnesite over chicken wire, hollow inside. That way it could be really big and impressive looking and still light enough for Him to lift.
Logician: Like the One who created gravity in the first place couldn't turn it off if it got to be a problem?
A Chick Tract: Now we'll tell you the story of a man who never repented of his sins. As you can see in panel 8, a big rock fell on his head. You must repent for it is written in Jeremiah: "Even in the womb I knew ye, and prevented huge rocks from smacking your action."
Atheist: Who?
Spock: Highly illogical - to create something which one cannot manage...
Modern Day Apologist - All of the above views concerning God moving the rock are heretical and in error. They are deeply rooted in metaphysical, eastern mysticism, Gnostic influence, and is closely related to Mormonism. This thing about God moving the rock is simply a scam to get your money, especially that Word Faith teacher and his reference to the "Star Wars" force.
Preterist or Cessationist- God does not do those things today. The last rock moving passed when the last Apostle died.
Dispensationalist - God did rock moving during the dispensation of the law. He does not do that during the church age.
Covenantal Theologian - God has never made a covenant with anyone to move rocks.
New Testament Only Person - Show me where in the epistles of Paul that God would move that big rock in our day.
Legalistic person - If you don't believe that God will move that rock and you don't get up and do some pushing on the rock yourself to help the Lord out - YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!!!
Muslim: Why ask if He can lift it? The question is settled — He is All-Powerful. The real question is whether you remembered to wash before touching the rock.
Jew: First we’ll need to ask a rabbi whether it’s kosher to lift rocks that heavy on Shabbat. If it isn’t, then maybe we can hire a Gentile to move it for us.
Thomas the disciple - Unless I actually see the hand of the Lord on the rock and him moving it from his side, I shall not believe.
Old fashioned Pentecostal preacher - And Ah sayah, if the Laaaawwwwwwda, I say if the Laaaaaaawwwwwwda [Ya'll don' heah me], if the Laaaaaawda, wants to move the rooooocka, He can dooooo itta. Haaaaalllleluuuuujah!!!!
Deliverance minister - First we must cast out the demon in that rock and then we will be able to make a way for God to move it.
Practical Christian - Lord, just bless me with some dynamite and a bulldozer and I will fulfill thy will in moving the rock.
The Dyslexic Atheist: I don't believe in an impotent dog.
The Mystic: There is no rock, it's just in your mind...
The Chiropractor: We'll just adjust its position slightly, and oooh.. aaahh... kaaarruunch... There, His Word is flowing freely again...
The Agnostic: God makes rocks?
90-year-old Christian: Well, throughout my long life God has always enabled me to carry burdens that were too heavy for me; I don't think that should be a problem for Him.
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