This sermon was preached on July
21st, 1988 at the Southeastern Reformed Baptist Family Conference. Now since this is the last opportunity
I will have to address you as a conference, there are two matters
that I want to take care of before we turn to the reading. and to
the exposition of the Word of God. First of all, there are
several books that I want to recommend. Books on the family
and child rearing have obviously become a very hot item in the
Christian book publishing business. And I do not mean to be unkind
or imbalanced, let alone sarcastic and unchristian in what I say,
The vast majority of them that I have read, as I've had to review
them for our own book ministry, are hardly worth the paper and
the ink which constitutes them books. But there are some proven,
helpful, balanced treatments of certain aspects of family
life, and I would like to recommend four this evening. With respect
to the use of the rod, particularly in the early formative years
of our children, up until pre or early teens, I do not know
of any finer treatment of the biblical materials than Bruce
Ray's book, Withhold Not Correction. The little leaflet that has been
quite popular, Children, Fun or Frenzy, has some very, very
kinky elements in it. It has some good things in it,
but people tend to grasp on the kinky elements and pass by the
good. But I know of very little, if
anything, in Bruce Ray's book that is out of line with scripture
and out of balance with the whole witness of the Word of God concerning
the sanctified use of the rod. And then Gordon MacDonald's book,
The Effective Father, while weak in the area of the application
of the rod, is one of the finest books on the subject of a father
being an open man to his children, a father being communicative
with his children, available to his children. And even some
of the disheartening events in the life of Gordon MacDonald
in recent years do not negate the validity the truths that
he sets forth in his book, The Effective Father. As far as one
volume that at least gives a biblical overview of the Christian family,
I think the finest is J. Adams' book, Christian Living
in the Home. And then for a treatment that
in some ways one must read with great discretion, particularly
if one is not well grounded, In our rationale for not regarding
our children as, quote, covenant children, Palmer's book on the
family, a recent reprint by Sprinkle Publications, is an excellent
work. Several of the chapters, I feel,
are the finest statement of the matters which they address. And
then there are several tapes that I would like to recommend.
Last year at this conference, Pastor William Franklin spoke
on avoiding adolescent rebellion and set forth some very, very
helpful principles. If you were not here to receive
that ministry, I urge you to purchase that tape. And then
one of my colleagues at Trinity, Pastor Greg Nichols, did an excellent
series several years ago on molding our children. And what makes
those messages particularly helpful is they are constructed not only
out of a comprehensive treatment of the biblical materials on
the molding of our children, but they have peculiar relevance
to parents who are part of the post-war generation. Those of
you who are now parents who were born during or after the Second
World War have had unusual pressures upon you in molding you into
what you are. And if you've listened to Pastor
Nichols' series on the post-war generation, you know that he
has a handle upon those peculiar influences And as he indicates
that in that previous series, so in the molding of our children,
he gives peculiar emphasis or peculiar emphases to those aspects
which are of unusual relevance to the post-war generation seeking
to be adequate parents. And then I would like to mention
again the series on dealing with our spiritually awakened children
that I did in our adult class about two years ago now, not
to be self-serving, but only because I want to save myself
a lot of phone calls and letters. And one of the most deeply agitated
questions is the question of how to deal with children who
are surrounded from the womb with godly example, with godly
instruction, and with spirit-filled preaching. And I do believe God
helped me in bringing together those materials to say some things
which, if they are said elsewhere, I have not yet found them. I
don't believe they are not said elsewhere. but I just haven't
found where they're said elsewhere, or I'd recommend someone else's
books or tapes. Now, having taken care of the
matter of books and tapes, since I was referred to as the elderly
gentleman, I believe, was the way I was described, and since
the person who said that did not have the moral courage to
name me, I must assume that he was referring to me. all of the
circumstances of the sentence, the elderly gentleman who preached
the evening before. I don't think there were many
who would fit that description. But seriously, I do feel a constraint
for which no one has pressured me, but it comes out of my own
heart to express, I am sure, on behalf of everyone who is
here at this conference, our deep sense of gratitude and indebtedness
to our brethren at Mebane for all of the planning, for all
of the labor, for all of the many manifestations of Christian
grace and kindness that have gone into the planning of this
conference. And so, elders and deacons and
church family at Mebane, we say thank you from the depths of
our hearts. I believe in this context many of you would feel
grieved if I were asked to express your appreciation with applause. But I do believe if I make a
statement to which you can add an amen, which means so be it,
perhaps you can express what's in your heart. And I say I believe
on behalf of all of you, we thank you for your Christian grace
and selfless love expressed to all of us in the name of Christ.
And we reciprocate and say thank you in the name of Christ. And
if I've spoken for you, please indicate by saying amen. Now then to Ephesians chapter
6. Ephesians and the sixth chapter. If you remember nothing else
about the four sessions I've had, I hope you'll remember the
text. Ephesians 6, verses 1 through 4. Children, obey your parents
in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother,
which is the first commandment with promise, that it may be
well with you and that you may live long on the earth. And you
fathers, Do not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture
them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. We come tonight,
at least insofar as this conference is concerned, to our final examination
of this watershed text on the subject of the biblical training
of our children. And as we have sought to unpack
the text in our first study, we considered the task assigned. And we asked three very simple
questions with reference to the assignment of the task of providing
biblical training for our children as that task is set forth in
this text. Who, why, and what? And then for the next two evenings,
we took up the second major division of the text, the task defined,
first of all, in its essence, that would be large letter A,
and under that we noted the negative injunction, do not provoke them
to anger, the positive direction, but nurture them And then we
concluded by considering the assumed framework of the task,
a framework of deep, personal, principled, spirit-wrought love
for our children, a framework of conscious and pervasive reference
to the authority and truth of God, a framework of conscience-gripping
blamelessness before our children, and a framework of conscious
dependence upon the grace and power of Jesus Christ. Now tonight we conclude our study
by taking up large letter B under the task defined having considered
the task in its essence, the negative and the positive, now,
large letter B, the major means of its accomplishment. Nurture
them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord. And obviously, from
the text, The two major means for the accomplishment of this
task of godly nurture are the chastening of the Lord and the
admonition of the Lord. And in working through then this
division of our subject, we have three heads. First of all, the
identity of these means Secondly, the origin of these means, and
thirdly, practical counsels regarding the use of these means. First of all, then, the identity
of the means of godly nurture. When God says to fathers, do
not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them, It's
as though fathers look up to heaven and say, but oh my father,
by what means shall I nurture them? What instruments of nurture
have you placed in my hands? And God's answer is, I have given
you basically two commodities with which to accomplish the
task of the totality of their nurture, that of chastening and
of admonition. And so it is vital, as we saw
last night, to come to an accurate understanding of what the word
nurture meant, that Greek verb ektrepho. So here we are told
that the two means, the primary instruments of the nurture of
our children are paideia and neuthesia. Now they are variously
translated in our most popular English versions as follows.
Nurture them or bring them up in the discipline and admonition
of the Lord. Some render it in the training
and instruction of the Lord. Others, discipline and instruction. Others, correction and instruction. Well, how can we come to some
settled understanding of the precise meaning of these two
means given by God to accomplish the task of nurture? Well, the
first word, paideia, has a broad range of usage in first century
Greek. However, as Arndt and Gingrich
have observed in their lexicon, In biblical literature, it is
always, with but possibly one exception, and maybe a half an
exception, it is always and chiefly a word which refers to discipline
and correction. And perhaps the watershed section
of its usage in this way is the familiar twelfth chapter of Hebrews. I won't ask you to turn to it.
Many of you are familiar with it. My son despised not the chastening
of the Lord. And in verses 5, 7, 8, and 11,
the word discipline is used, and then in its verbal form it
is found in verses 6, 7, and 10. It's the word used by our
Lord in Revelation 3.19, as many as I love, I rebuke, and I discipline,
or chasten. And very interestingly, it is
found in Luke 23.16, when it is said of our Lord, let us chasten
Him. And it is there used synonymously
with scourging. so that in the Scriptures the
primary emphasis and nuance of this word refers to something
which is done to the child in pursuit of his nurture. Paideia refers to chastisement
and punitive, corrective measures employed not to vent the frustrations
of a harried parent, certainly not to give vent to some sick
and sinful spirit that wants to abuse another and a weaker
creature, But it is chastisement, discipline employed with a view
to the nurture of our children, to seeing them brought to their
full potential of Christian manhood and womanhood under the blessing
of God. Now, the second word, neuthesia,
uniformly refers to a verbal activity. It never refers to
that which is done to the child, but always refers to something
said to the child. It is translated in our English
versions, admonition, instruction, and warning. Let me give you
three examples of its usage that should fairly well establish
in your mind the flavor, the sense of its meaning. In 1 Corinthians
10 and verse 11, we are told concerning the biblical record
of the wilderness wanderings and the various sins of the nation
of Israel, these things happened unto them by way of example,
And they were written for our nuthasia, for our admonition,
upon whom the ends of the ages are come. And I must pause to
say two things. There is a pseudo-spiritual and
a pseudo-scholastic approach to preaching in our day that
says there is no room for exemplary preaching. All preaching must
be explicitly Christocentric. Now, some of you kids will get
lost in this. That's all right. Some preachers need this, so
you just hang in there. And you'll be the benefactor
down the road. This is for your sake, ultimately. Christ is the
great theme of all Scripture. Christ must be the explicit theme
of every exposition of any part of Scripture. That sounds very,
very spiritual. But it's heretical. And it's
shot through with error. We are told we must not take
incidence in the life of the people of God in the Old Testament.
We must not take incidence in the lives of people and from
it extract moral and ethical principles and preach them to
our people. That is moralistic, exemplary
preaching. And yet, this text says, these
things were written to the end that new covenant preachers would
be able to warn congregations to avoid the sins of the nation
of Israel. Furthermore, when people say
to preach in an immonitory manner, filled with warning, is negative
and oppressive, and does not aid the people of God in their
earthly pilgrimage, they attempt to be wiser than God and a curse
upon their wisdom. So much for the aside. Now, Colossians
128. Second usage of the word. We're just trying to find out,
now, what is this means? If God says, nurture them in
discipline, chastening what's done to the child, and nuthesia,
admonition, warning what is said to the child, I better know what
my tool is. Here's another example of its
usage. Paul, speaking of the Christian ministry in this classic
passage, verses 24 to 29, says, concerning Christ, Verse 28, whom we proclaim. Paul says we preach Christ. But how did he preach Him? Did
he simply stand before the people and sentimentally parrot the
name of Jesus, speak of sweet Jesus, lovely Jesus, precious
Jesus? No. Whom we proclaim. Here's our word, admonishing,
nuthesia, in its verbal form, admonishing every man and teaching
every man in all wisdom that we may present every man perfect
in Christ. whereunto I labour also, striving
according to his working which works in me mightily." And here
again I must resist the temptation to say many things about the
ministry and about preaching, but suffice it to say that Paul
knew no preaching of Christ that did not cut a conduit that had
as one of its major ingredients New Thessalian, this admonishing
of men, no sterile sentimental parading of Christ before men
without the warnings and the urgings of the implications of
the doctrine concerning Christ. And then the third usage is in
1 Corinthians chapter 4 and verse 14. And I've chosen this purposefully
because it puts us into the family context. First Corinthians chapter
4 and verse 14. I write these things not to shame
you, but to admonish you. as my beloved children." Paul
had spiritual children who were very immature. He wanted to nurture
them into greater maturity in Christ. And so what did he do?
He used the means of neuthesia. It was no indication of an absence
of love. that he admonished, that he warned,
that he instructed with overtones at times of great sternness. They were his beloved spiritual
children, and he writes admonishing them as an expression of his
spiritual parental love. Perhaps the best summary in the
Old Testament of these two commodities put side by side is Proverbs
29 and verse 15. And here you have admonition
and chastisement brought together in an Old Testament parallel. Proverbs 29 and verse 15, the
rod, chastisement, correction, instruction and reproof, admonition,
give wisdom. But a child left to himself,
a child who does not come to maturity under the constant pressure
of this twofold means of rod and reproof, causes shame to
his mother. There's a beautiful summary of
the meaning of these words in Hendrickson's commentary on Ephesians,
page 262, and I commend it to you preachers if you're going
to preach on the text in the future. And it was from Hendrickson
that I got that phrase. One refers to what is done to
the child, that's chastisement, and the other, what is said to
the child, that is admonition. Well, that's the identity of
the means. Now consider the origin of the
means. Look at the text. Fathers, do
not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the
chastening and admonition of the Lord. And for you Greek students,
I'm convinced, though it's debated, that this is a genitive of origin.
In other words, it is a correction, a discipline, and an admonition
which have their origin in the Lord. That is, in Him who is
the great head of His church, the Lord of His people in general,
and the Lord of every godly parent in particular, who falls before
His sovereign Redeemer and says, O Lord Jesus, You who loved me
and purchased me with Your own blood, You who have entrusted
to me the awesome task of nurturing these children, and You've put
in my hands these two great means of chastisement and admonition,
O Lord, how shall I administer them? In what frame of reference
shall I administer them? And the answer is, it is the
chastisement of the Lord. It is the admonition of the Lord. That means simply, number one,
they both derive their ultimate authority from the Lord Himself. They both derive their ultimate
authority from the Lord Himself. As a Christian parent, you stand
under the Lordship of Christ. The head of every man is Christ. And under His Lordship, The Christ
of Ephesians 1, who has been exalted far above all principality
and power and might and dominion and every name that is named,
not only in this world, but in that which is to come, and has
had all things put under His feet. It is that Christ, Mother
and Father, who deposits in your hands this twofold means to nurture
your children. They both derive their authority
from Him, and you must have no uncertain conviction about this. If you're not convinced that
the rod of correction is placed in your hand by the nail-pierced
and now exalted hand of Christ, you will be inconsistent and
tentative in its use. If you do not know that the right
to make moral and ethical judgments based on the Word of God and
with them to warn, to admonish your children, you do so with
the authority of the throne of the exalted Christ, you will
vacillate. Particularly, hear me parents,
when your kid gets old enough to get a license, I'm amazed
how many Christian parents think that a license in the pocket
of his kid somehow neutralizes the divine deposit of rod and
of admonition. There's not a shred of evidence
in the Bible that the child reaches a certain age at which time the
head of the church snatches the rod out of your hand, snatches
out of the other hand the right to admonish and to warn with
divine authority. Parent, know who you are, and
know who's given you this twofold means. And you kids listen, when
mom and dad apply the rod, and apply reproof and you buck against it, you're
bucking against the Christ who in the day of judgment will summon
you before him and say either, come you blessed or depart you
cursed. You better not mess around with
that rod in mom's hand and dad's hand because Jesus put it there,
the same Jesus who sit on the throne of glory in the day of
judgment and judge. And when they warn and when they
admonish, you better not treat it. Ah, that's my old man. There,
they don't know where he's coming from. Ah, that's just my mother. She's an old crank. She wants
to cramp my style. Young man, young woman, listen.
Listen, the origin of these means they come from the Lord Himself
who holds your eternal destiny in His hands. You better not
mess around with those things. But not only does it mean they
both derive their authority from Him, but it also means they both
must derive the manner of their administration from Him. They
both must derive their manner of administration from Him. In
other words, He who gives them as means of nurture tells us
how to implement and use them for the end for which they were
given. The rod given by the Lord, if
not regulated by the same Lord, can be an instrument not to nurture
our children, but to destroy them. admonition given by the
Lord, but administered in ways contrary to the revealed will
of the Lord, can destroy our children instead of nurturing
them. So we have the means in their
identity, chastisement, corporal punishment, a system of rewards
and punishment for behavior admonition, verbal warning, instruction,
and then their origin both derive their authority from the Lord
and must derive the manner of their administration from Him
as well. Well, having identified the means,
having looked at the origin of the means now, In the time that
remains, I want to give some practical counsel concerning
the use of these means. And I cannot give equal time
to both of them, and with respect to the means of chastisement
or the rod of correction, believing that this area is well dealt
with in Bruce Ray's book, it's dealt with in a number of tapes
from a number of your churches, I believe it is the area where
perhaps there is the most understanding in the group represented here. Had I the time, and that would
take one whole message, I would like to cover these heads. The
absolute necessity for it, the major purposes for it, the occasions
which demand it, the climate which should characterize it,
and the regulating factors which should condition its usage. And
I had all that work done, and the notes are there, but I can't,
even though some of the kids begged me to go ahead and preach
till midnight, believe it or not. I might fall out of favor
with their parents. But I do want to pause just to
underscore two aspects briefly, because it's here where I think
I see the most ignorance among our own parents. I want to say
just a word about the major purposes of the rod of correction. This
is not going to be the comprehensive or balanced treatment. This is
just sort of a little tidbit thrown in and then we'll concentrate
on admonition. Have you ever stopped to ask
yourself, what are the major purposes of God for putting the
rod in my hand to be administered in his name according to the
precepts of his word? May I suggest that if you don't
understand the purpose, you're going to vacillate again and
be uncertain in many facets of the use of the rod. And I lay
out for your serious consideration the crystallization of my own
thinking is relatively recent. I don't offer it as my last word
and certainly not the last word of the Bible. But I suggest that
the purpose is basically twofold. Number one, The subjugation of
the will of your child to constituted authority is purpose number one
in the use of the rod. God has made his world to operate
in a framework of submission to constituted authority. And
the way of life is to fall in line with those authority structures. The way of death is to defy them. and the purpose of the rod of
correction with children who are what they are as we saw them
in their five-fold description, particularly in terms of their
sinfulness and their moldability, the will must be trained to submit
to constituted authority. And it is the place of the rod
to be the great and grand instrument of God to secure that end. But there is a second great purpose
of the rod, and that is to impart a conviction concerning the reality
of retributive justice. You say, Pastor, what in the
world do you mean by that? Well, you who know me at least
in part know I don't use words like that without explaining
them. What I mean is this. The Bible says the wages of sin
is death. Criminal offenses against the
law of God make us liable to the punishment of God. The soul
that sinneth, it shall die. Justice must be satisfied in
the punishment of the criminal. And one of the reasons we have
so little grassroots Holy Ghost conviction in our day is we have
a society from which the concept of retributive justice is gone. The wanton criminal is not to
be punished. He is to be pitied. Punish the
society that made him do it. Could it be that this is why
we read in the book of Proverbs 23, verse 413, withhold not correction
from the child, for if thou beat him with the rod, he will not
die. He may holler like he thinks
he's dying, but he won't. Thou shalt beat him with the
rod, now notice, and deliver his soul from hell. How in the
world does a rod of correction deliver a soul from hell? Here's
the connection. When through the right, prayerful,
judicious application of the rod of correction a child learns,
if I step over that boundary, I'll seal it on the nerve endings
of my buttocks. If I don't do what I've been
told to do, and it's reasonable that I should do, if I refuse
to perform my duty, I have violated just laws, and I will know it
in the nerve endings of my buckets. To fail to do what God demands
through my parents, to violate their just laws, is to bring
retributive justice bear upon my buttocks." Well, if mom and
dad keep their word and say, do this and you'll get it, don't
do this, fail to do this and you'll get it, and mom and dad
keep their word, and my blistered bottom is proof, maybe when God
says, the soul that sins shall die, He means it. Except you
repent, you'll perish. Maybe he means it. When he says
the wages of sin is death, maybe he means it. And I suggest that
the primary function of the rod is to impress upon the plastic,
moldable soul of a child those two great realities, namely,
subjugation of their wills to constituted authority, and the
impartation of the conviction of retributive justice as a reality
in God's moral universe. And then I want to say just a
word about the occasions which demand it, because here again
I see the most confusion among our own young parents, and I
plan to preach on this as my fellow elders give me leave sometime
in the near future. I wrestled with this in my preparation.
I said, Lord, can I simplify without oversimplifying? What
are the real occasions which demand the application of the
rod? Well, then I began to think of the old catechism. What is
sin? Sin is any lack of conformity
unto or transgression of the law of God. And then I said,
that's it. What are the two basic occasions
which call for the rod? Here they are. when a reasonable,
clearly perceived directive is wantonly refused by the child. When a reasonably, clearly perceived
directive, the child refuses to obey it, It is there that
the child needs the rod of correction to train his will that it's easier
to obey than get a blistered bottom. And you see, the issue
is not the issue. You see, it's not the thing itself.
For example, your child can say hello to the birds, hello to
his dog, hello to his pet Cockroach? But lo and behold, when you walk
out with him in hand Sunday morning and the preacher bends down and
says, Hi, sweetie. And the parent says, Say hello
to the pastor. Suddenly, sweetie, becomes a
mute. And you know what breaks my heart?
Many a parent just walks by. and says, oh, I wouldn't make
an issue over that. My friend, the issue is not the
issue. That child is learning that you
can give a reasonable and clear directive and you can defy it
and get away with it. That's the issue. Pray God give
you eyes to see it. The child may take his straw
after you've gone to Hardee's or Wendy's, break it up into
a hundred pieces, and throw one little piece on the floor while
looking at you. And the other side of the room,
someone had a whole bundle of straws and threw them on the
room, and you say to the kid, pick up that little piece of
straw you threw. And the child runs over and picks
up the hundred straws on the other side of the room. That's
not obedience. You say, oh well, it only takes
me a minute to finish. No, no, no, no, no. The issue
is not that thing that weighs a hundredth of a gram, that's
only that big. The issue is you gave a reasonable,
clearly perceived directive and the child refuses to obey. At that point, there is a clashing
of wills. And if your will does not conquer
his by use of the rod, God have mercy on you when the stakes
get bigger. And you've already taught the
child he can do his wills even in the face of your clearly expressed
will. I can remember my mother having
sessions for an hour and a half over something so little as picking
up a Kleenex. It was all-out war. Now that
I'm a grandfather, I saw it two weeks ago. My sweet little Justly,
not even two years old, And she's a charmer, not just because I'm
her granddaddy. It's the universal testimony that anybody's got
any sense. Twenty-five after nine, Sunday
morning, I'm going to the men's room before I go up to teach
the adult class. My daughter-in-law comes down,
her eight-year-old son in one hand, her, what, seven, eight-month,
there's only thirteen months between the two of them, baby,
in one arm. And little Jocely holding her brother's hand. Hi
Joc! She looked up, smiled, sweet
smile. Mommy says, Jocely, say hi to
Pop-Pop. No hi. Jocely, say hi to Pop-Pop. Just smiled and ran over and
put her arms out. Pop-Pop picked her up. Mommy
says, say hi to Pop-Pop. No! In her little squeaky voice.
My voice is gone so I can't imitate it. No! I said, Ginny, the war
is on. I'll stay here till it's over.
Go ahead. Do what you gotta do. She went in the ladies room.
Wailed her good with her hand on her thigh. I could see her
pink thigh when she brought her out. Jocely, say hi to Pop Pop. Tears streaming down her face.
No! I said, Ginny, the class will
wait if necessary. Go ahead. Second time. Wailed her good. Brought her out. Say hi to Pop-Pop. She stretched her arms out, snuggled
over, tears made my shirt wet. Mouth shut, Ginny said, Justly,
do you want mummy's spank again? Hi, Pop-Pop. Hi, Pop-Pop. Hi, Pop-Pop. That's not the end of the story.
I rushed up to teach the class. When church was over and the
main flow of the people went through, as always happens, she
saw me 30 feet away and every step as she approached me, with
every step it was high pop pop, high pop pop, high pop pop, high
pop pop. That's not the end of the story
yet. I got home. And I called up my daughter-in-law
and I wanted to commend her for dealing biblically with the issue. As a grandfather, I now want
to enforce the patterns of my children that are biblical, now
that they are parents. You know what she told me? She
said, Dad, you wouldn't believe it. In between the first or second
spanking, you know what she said to me in the ladies' room? I
said, I don't have a clue. She's not going to be two until
October. Through her tears she was saying,
Mommy, I say hi Gaga. That's my wife is Gaga. I say
hi Gaga. I say hi Uncle George. I say
hi John. I say hi Beth. She said every
name she knew. But her state had been driven
on the words pop pop. And if she hadn't won the victory
at that point of the battleground, there could have been an erosion
which added to others, could have landed ultimately that little
one in hell. Now you see parent, you've got
to get that fixed in your mind. Sure it's inconvenient to have
a knock down drag out section over a Kleenex, over three little
rods. Is it worth it, my friend, is
it worth it to deliver the soul of your child from hell? Then
in God's name, do it! Even though you may have your
peers frown, and my daughter-in-law had a couple of people question
whether that was all necessary. It's a good thing I don't know
who they are. I might be tempted to say some
carnal things to them. That's the first occasion. When
there is a reasonable, hear my words, reasonable, clearly perceived
directive, and the child refuses to obey, they have rung up the
flag saying, two wills in this house, the parental will and
my will, and at the end of the session there better be only
one flag on that pole and it better be yours. The second occasion
for the use of the rod is this, when there is a reasonable, carefully
perceived directive which the child willfully or carelessly
violates. A reasonable, clearly perceived
directive which the child willfully or carelessly violates. For example,
You train the child when he begins to walk that they do not stand
on furniture with their shoes on. Now that is a reasonable,
and it's easy to make it clearly perceived, directive. Suppose the child willfully climbs
up on the furniture with its shoes on, looking at you all
the while. You better bring the rod of correction.
Suppose the child in his exuberance just forgets there is a marvelous
connective system between the behind and the brain. Marvelous connective system.
It may mean a warning once if it's careless violation, but
if careless violation is treated as excusable, what do you do?
You raise an irresponsible adult who every time he fails to do
his duty says, I forgot. And you formed him into that
kind of a person. And dear people, I felt something
had to be said on that matter. coming to the matter in the remaining
time of admonition. What principles ought to guide
us in the matter of admonition? Well, let me suggest something
in three areas. The scope of godly admonition,
the occasions for godly admonition, and finally, the prerequisites
for imparting godly admonition. Number one, the scope of godly
admonition. Our text says we are to nurture
them. the means by which we nurture
them, and we saw what a comprehensive task nurturing was, taking the
pattern of our Lord who was continually growing in wisdom, in stature,
in favor with God and with man. Obviously then, the scope of
our admonition, our warnings to them, must be the totality
of life viewed biblically. And here the book of Proverbs
is God's great deposit along with the book of Ecclesiastes. Because the book of Ecclesiastes
is the record of a man who surveys life under the sun and has learned
by observation and experience wherein the true meaning of life
is and is not to be found. And what do you find in the book
of Proverbs as the scope of godly admonition? Well, he starts out
with warnings about evil companions, warnings about a hard heart,
warnings about sins of the tongue, self-conceit, gluttony, drunkenness,
the evils of laziness, the perils of the sluggard, the sins of
refusing correction and admonition and rebuke, warnings about immorality
and sensuality, warnings about pride and envy and uncontrolled
anger and an undisciplined spirit. Well, why do they come in the
admonitory warning form? For this simple reason, when
you've not experienced something in its harmful effects, The most
certain way to prevent someone having to learn by experience
is to put up a big sign saying, danger, avoid the puddle. And it's the concern of the father
in Proverbs that his son and his children not learn in the
bitter crucible of experience. but learn by warning and admonition. And therefore, in the book of
Proverbs, the scope of godly admonition is as wide as life
in all of its expansiveness, in all of its details. There
is positive admonition and urging to cultivate the virtues of fearing
God, of being generous, of being frugal, of wise stewardship,
of modesty, of restraint of words. Every kind of virtue is brought
forward by way of admonition. Every kind of sin is brought
forward by way of admonition. And so it means, dear parents,
that there is no subject under the sun concerning which you
are not under obligation to admonish them. That's the means put in
your hands to see them nurtured under the Lordship of Christ.
Well, having touched on the scope of godly admonition, What about
the occasions for godly admonition? And I see two categories. Number
one, the formal or the structured occasions. Family worship, where
night after night, day after day, A father gathers his family
amidst all the pressures of the complex schedules of the home. A father says with Joshua, as
for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And fathers,
you have every right while your children live under your roof
to impose the way of the Lord upon them. and it should be non-negotiable. There never was one word of debate
in my house about whether every member in it would come to family
worship. Then Sunday morning came, every
member got in the car and went off to Sunday school, Sunday
morning and evening worship, and kept standards for the Lord's. You see, even when your kids
were older teens and weren't converted, yes! That was my responsibility. The fourth commandment says,
even the stranger who comes within my gates must abide by the rule
of my house under the Lordship of Christ. And so you as a father, in conjunction
with your wife and the children's mother, must take admonition
seriously. Structured family worship. kept
flexible in terms of the ages and the needs of the kids, not
this kind of Protestant evangelical rosary where you read the next
chapter or the next few verses and pray the same little prayer
to say you've had family worship. No, where you're concerned to
have real open communication about spiritual matters, where
when you sense given area of need emerging, you cry to God,
Lord, where should I go in family worship now that will meet the
needs of the children? And it's particularly difficult
for us preachers. Our kids hear us all the time.
They get sick and tired of us preaching at them. That's why
with much of my family worship I use the works of other men.
So my kids grew up with Bridges and Bishop Ryle preaching at
them. And they let them preach with their own mouth. When they
got old enough to read, let them read. Go through Pilgrim's Progress,
role-playing, pass out copies. Let one of your kids be pliable.
Let one of them be talkative. Let them enter into it and then
get them to analyze it. What is Bunyan getting at? Hey,
talkative, what's wrong with you? My religion is not in my
heart. How do you know it's not in his
heart? Use sanctified imagination. Make that structured time meaningful
insofar as it lies within your power. There should be formal
and structured admonition, family worship. Under that heading,
specific times when there are specific needs in the development
of your children. I grieve for the father who,
when his sons and daughters are coming into puberty, does not
have special times to sit down and formally, and with dignity,
and with anatomy charts, and with sound anatomical terminology,
describe their bodily functions. What a tragedy, and this was
told to my face, when a girl has her first period and is so
ashamed she burns her pajamas. It's enough to make you weep.
When a boy can remember the spot on the street where some kid
told him what his dad had to do to his mom to get him started
in his mommy's tummy and he wanted to go home and mash his father's
face. I was that kid. And I determined
my son would not learn the facts of life that way. And so it meant, when the kids
began to come into puberty, there were special times with my own
son, Saturday mornings, when we sat with Susie's babies. Best
little primer on sexuality, I know, it's out of print. We hope to
get it back in print. And when he started asking some
pretty pointed questions, where he had it mixed up on his internal
anatomy, I got down my anatomical charts and I opened them up from
my gray's anatomy. And I'll never forget him saying,
Dad, isn't it great how God made us? And we got on our knees and
his first explicit sex education came in the context of a loving
relationship with a father in his study. And I can remember
him thanking God for the way he made us. Admonish them. Did you see them
coming into that stage when they're beginning to wrestle with the
whole matter of their life's career and where they should
put their energies and what their gifts are? They need you, individually
and alone. And my friend, it doesn't stop
when they're 17. I got frustrated the last three
years. Three kids all left the nest,
one a year for three years. We had one wedding for three
years in a row. In those last three years, we did more hands-on
parenting than we ever did in our lives. I'd come down from
my study after counseling until 9, 30, and 10 and think, boy,
I can take my clothes off, put my pajamas on, and relax a little
bit. And there's one of the kids lying on the bed with my wife,
and I'd have to ask permission to use their room to put my pajamas
on. Sure, there were times I resented it. I said, man, can't I even
have my wife from 10 o'clock on? But there was need for admonition. They were preparing to be wives
and eventually mothers, and they needed admonition desperately
about their awesome roles and responsibilities, and the occasion
should be seized in the formal and structured way. And I've
already anticipated the second category, the informal and the
unstructured. What we heard about this morning,
the Deuteronomy 5 and 6 kind of admonition, In conjunction
with specific sins that emerge, the first time you know your
child has lied, that's the time to drop whatever you're doing
and sit down and open up the Scriptures on what it says about
liars. What lying will do to the relationship
between the father and the mother and the son and the daughter.
and any relationship in the household, how God regards lies. You seize
that occasion. The dirty wash can be done some
other time. The kitchen can be cleaned another
time. But at that point when the conscience
is heightened in its awareness of its sin, drive home the admonitions. And then in conjunction with
watching judiciously TV programs together, It's then that you
need perhaps to push the mute button and stop and say, now
listen kids, did you see that part of the dialogue? Did you
hear what was really going on between so-and-so and so-and-so?
And you seize that occasion to bring the Word of God to bear
upon them, that they might have a mind nurtured, as we saw last
night, to think critically and analytically and to see through
issues to the core of what it really is. And so there are the
formal and then the informal occasions. But then I close with
what is most vital. What are the prerequisites for
imparting godly admonition? If you and I are to use this
instrument, what has to be true of us? Number one, we must be
living in and by the Word of God ourselves. Ephesians 5, 16
and 17, Be not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.
You and I must be living by Romans 12 verse 2. Be not conformed
to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind
that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect
will of God. And you must not only be living
in, but living by the word of God. You know what makes you
a wise parent? It's not your gray matter as
it may read out in an artificial IQ test. Hebrews 5 tells us,
full grown men are those who by reason of use have their senses
exercised to discern good and evil. It's when the Word of God
is plowing up your heart, sensitizing your conscience, and then regulating
your thoughts and your words and your life, you are becoming
ethically and spiritually mature, able to admonish your children. Romans 15, 14, I am persuaded
of you, brethren, that you are full of goodness. full of knowledge,
able to admonish one another. Dear parents, if you are going
to use this instrument of admonition, there must be new commitments
to live in and by the Word of God yourself. Secondly, we must
be observant and discerning of the world about us and our kids
next to us. We must be observant and discerning
of the world about us and of our kids next to us. Two examples
out of Proverbs. Remember what the writer said,
I went by the field of the sluggard and I saw. You see, he just didn't walk
by the field and not observe. He stopped and he looked. And what did he see? He saw a
field grown over with thorns and nettles. He saw no lush fruit. He saw no beautiful flowers or
foliage. He saw a stone out of place here
and out of place there. And after he saw, he reasoned. And he said, ah, that didn't
happen in a day. It didn't happen in a week. It
didn't happen in a month. What happened is this. The man
that owns that field originally had in his schedule A half an
hour every Monday afternoon, go by my field, pull the weeds,
replace any dislodged stones. Half an hour a week, that's all
that's needed. But he was a sluggard, and when
that half hour came, he was sitting on his duff, and he couldn't
get up, and he said, oh well, I'll just skip it this Monday
and that Monday, and after a while, He saw the fruit of it, and then
he drew a conclusion that he passed on to his son. He said,
sluggardliness will be as devastating as an armed robber. The process
will be slower, but the result just as drastic. He was an observer
of the world around him and of his children next to him. And
in that classic warning about immorality, Proverbs 7, you remember
how it begins? He said, I looked out through
my lattice and I saw. And the whole description describes
not an ordinary professional hooker out plying her trade. Read the passage carefully. because
he observed carefully and he even eavesdropped. And when the woman spoke, she
said, the man is gone on a long journey with a bag full of money. He'll not be back until the new
moon. My husband's gone on a long business
trip. She was an older, experienced,
married woman who got the hots for a young, innocent, inexperienced
boy. No new thing under the sun. And
the father having observed, he looked at his innocent son and
he said, Oh my son, listen to me. I saw through the lattice
I beheld and I heard, and the last time I saw the boy when
he went to her door, I knew that the way to her door was the way
to hell, the way to a seared conscience, the way to a consumed
body. Oh, my son, I warn you, I warn
you, I warn you." That's the prerequisites to be a father.
But you say, I get up all uptight, I can't talk about those things
with my son. Then you better go to the one
who said, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
You better go to Jesus and say, Lord Jesus, you put this means
in my hand, but I'm so emotionally and psychologically bound, I
can't use it. Lord Jesus, set me free. Go to Christ, man! Plead in the
merit of His blood that He'll liberate you from whatever binds
you from being a godly admonisher to your sons. You men, you can
far more effectively teach your daughters how to be virtuous
in their dress and modest. Let your wife teach them how
to be a good lover to their husbands. That's her unique privilege.
But it's your job to teach her what modesty is. Only men know
how perverse men are. I remember the first time one
of my own daughters had a pair of jeans that were fine for her
when she was a little girl, and fine when she was working around
the house. But as you girls know, when you're starting to become
a woman, And physiologically, God's causing your pelvic structure
to be prepared for childbearing. The hips widen, and before long,
it's no longer a little girl, it's a young woman, with flesh
in places both behind and above that mark her out as a young
woman. And I'm not at all embarrassed to speak this bluntly. Ezekiel
16 makes that look very, very restrained. So if you're offended,
my friend, go to Ezekiel 16, and then if you're still offended,
come and see me. All right? And on this particular day, those
jeans were no longer the jeans on a little girl. They were the
jeans on a young woman. And they were simply too tight,
fitting over her buttocks. She was going to go off to the
local mall. I said, where are you going? I'm going with so-and-so
to the mall. I said, uh-uh. Why, Dad? I said,
not in those. what's wrong with these?" I said,
sit down honey and I'll tell you. I said, you know what will
happen when you walk by the boys that are standing around and
after you've passed by and they see you from behind, you know
what they're going to say? And I told her in the very language that
the boys would use, that I won't use here. Now she didn't particularly like
it. More than once she's come to me and said, Daddy, thank
you. Daddy, thank you. Modesty must be cultivated. Oh,
you say, that's your temperament. No, it isn't, my friends. I had
parents who were silent on these issues, and I determined I would
not curse my kids with that silence. I didn't inherit it. By example,
I saw it in this book, and I said, oh God, help me to be a man who
lived by the book. So don't cop out and say, oh,
that's Pastor Martin's temperament, and he's imposing that on us.
No, it isn't my temperament. It's the fruit of prayer and
pains, born of the conviction that that prerequisite was one
that God laid upon me, to be observant and discerning of the
world about me and of my kids next to me. So observant that
I determined, I was sharing with someone today, they brought up
the subject, I was told I was unrealistic. I said, I'm determined
by the grace of God And my girls, the first man they'll ever kiss
on the lips romantically will be the man that will marry them.
And people laughed at me. You're kidding. That's a non-dead
serious. What are you going to do? Go around hiding in the trunk
of the car when they have a date with a hatchet? And no. No, there's several things I'm
going to do. I'm going to talk to my daughters and explain why
they ought to have that as their goal, because ultimately they'll
set the stage. Unless some strong man grabbed
them and forced himself upon them, you girls set the stage
as to whether or not any man kisses you. And there's both
a polite and a not-so-polite way to let him know if he's overstepping
the bounds. You got a hand and you got a
knee. That's right! And in the old covenant, when
a woman didn't use her voice and her hand and her knee, God
held her accountable if she was forced beyond the bounds of propriety.
That's biblical. That's moral law. And I'll never forget the night
when one of my daughters came in after the young man had already
expressed his intentions to me and I had consented after spending
many, many hours with him in the home, getting to know him.
And I looked at her and I said, so-and-so, I said, your dad can't
ever say now you've not been kissed by any man but me, Kenny. And she looked at me and her
face was glowing and she said, mm-mm. I tell you, it was worth it all.
Talk to my son-in-law now and ask him if he thinks it was an
unreasonable standard to set. Ask him if he has any resentment.
Because I talked to him when he started dating her. I said,
hey, you know what you're dating? You're dating an attractive young
woman that at least two other adult males have dated, and no
one's ever kissed her on the lips romantically but her dad.
And I don't want you spoiling that record. Until it's clear
that God's given you to one another. That's another reason, men, why
it's good to keep in shape. It adds a little something. When
they know if they step out of line, you just might be able
to put them on their ear if you needed to. Now I'm not advocating
that, I'm jesting, but it does help. That's your backup system. Now seriously, do you see what
I mean about being observant? How did I know she'd had her
first kiss? Because I knew that there was
a look about it that was different. You see, you can know that much
about your kids if you've got your eyeballs open. Of course
you can. But it costs. You can't have
your eyeballs full of yourself, full of how to make the next
buck, and how to make the next promotion, and all the other
things that may be carnally and selfishly motivated. The next
prerequisite, we must give ourselves to earnest prayer. If we're going
to impart godly admonition, what is true of preaching is true
of godly admonition. Our gospel came not unto you
in word only, but in power, and in the Holy Ghost, and in much
conviction, 1 Thessalonians 1. Well, if we're going to say my
admonition came not in word only, but in power, and in the Holy
Ghost, he gives the Holy Spirit to those who ask. There may be
areas you know you're going to have to admonish, you'll have
to give yourself to seasons of prayer with fasting. crying to
God, searching the Word. And there are instances too sacred
for me to say publicly, but I'm not theorizing, where with my
strong concordance in my Bible and my heart before God, crying
out, Lord, how do I admonish in this situation? Lord, teach
me. Something must be said. I don't
know what to say. Lord, teach me. And then empower
me. And then fourthly, here's the
fourth prerequisite, and isn't it interesting again how the
Holy Spirit is woven all the messages together. We must be
possessed of what I have written in my notes as moral courage. You know what my text is? 1 Corinthians
16, 13 and 14. Act like men. Let all that you
do be done in love. Oh, dear parents, listen to me. It takes moral courage to run
the risk of taking God's side against your children. And I
have seen many parents press an issue of admonition or discipline
up to the point where the children threatened to turn against them,
and then they backed off. They were unwilling for the very
thing Jesus said He came to do, to bring a sword to set the daughter
against the mother. And if you are unwilling for
the sword, you do not have the moral courage to discipline and
admonish in the power and in the wisdom of the Holy Ghost.
May God use the ministry of our brethren in these morning sessions,
lest we end up like Eli. You want a sickening example
of a man who lacked moral courage? Turn to 1 Samuel 3.13 and look
at it. It's a sickening picture. And what a horrible price he
paid. Here are his sons who come to
the priesthood because of their bloodlines, not because of any
eminence in grace. And the Scriptures tell us that
these men were so wicked that they fornicated right at the
place of God's special presence. And what did Eli do? 1 Samuel
3 verse 12, In the day I will perform against Eli all I have
spoken concerning his house, from beginning even unto the
end. For I have told him I will judge his house forever for the
iniquity which he knew, because his sons did bring a curse upon
themselves. And he restrained them not. And you know what word is used
in the Septuagint? The Greek verb, neuthetel. He
would not admonish them. But when you turn to the record,
you know what he did do? He whimpered. He says, boys,
the things you do is not good. That's what the scripture says.
He said, the thing you do is not good. But he lacked the moral
courage to run into the midst of their orgy, pull the bodies
apart, and say to those women, be taken to the elders of Israel
and be stoned for your immorality. Bring the elders to bring the
proper judicial punishment upon his sons. He had no moral courage. All he did was whimper. God have
mercy on parents who only whimper. They make a moral judgment. He
knew the iniquity that they did, and he even whimpered, but he
did not chastise and admonish. Now, in conclusion, since it
is the last night, there are just two PS's that I must get
out of my gut, and I promise to do it in three minutes. Number
one, parents, You know how I've stuck within the book. Don't
be tyrannized by the experts. You'd get the impression in our
day if you didn't listen to 1,400 different radio broadcasts and
read 2,700 pamphlets and 14,262 books. Just live in this book. And occasionally a proven man
of proven worth may write something, but look, let it filter through
your elders. They're shepherds to your soul,
and I'm not talking about a Roman Catholic notion that in our Reformed
Baptist churches you shouldn't read anything unless approved
by your elders. That's nonsense. Anyone that would countenance
that is off his rocker as well as perverse in his heart. But
what I'm saying is this. You may not have the discernment
to know what instruction is good and bad. Ask someone who does.
Don't be tyrannized by the experts. And then my final word is, don't
be crippled by perfectionism or false guilt. Don't sit there
and say, oh man, I blew it here, blew it there, it's no use. Listen,
listen, none of us is perfect as apparent. But if our hearts
are set toward the Lord, we're willing to walk in blamelessness,
acknowledging our sins. It's sort of like the marks in
diving and gymnastics as you used to throw out the highs and
the lows. And if the bulk of your ministry is biblical, God's
not going to cause your kid to go astray because you blew a
thing here and you missed a thing there. He knows our frame. He remembers we are dust. Don't
be crippled by perfectionism and don't be crippled by false
guilt. And what do I mean by that? I
mean just this. The men and the seminars and
the books and the theologians who say, if you do your job,
nurturing your children by chastening and admonition, they will eventually
be converted, that is a doctrine of horrible, horrible consequences. There are some children who will
have godly nurture, and yet they will reject it, and will be damned,
ultimately because God's electing grace is not bound to bloodlines
or to the best of means. And I rest my case on two simple
pillars. Isaiah 1, God says these words,
I have nourished and brought up children and they have rebelled
against me. Is there anyone in this room
blasphemous enough to say God was a bad pop? to Israel. I have brought up children of
the perfect father, Jehovah, God of the covenant, perfect
in love, in wisdom, in firmness, perfect in knowledge and understanding
and in discernment. And he says, they have rebelled
against me. And he had to send them into
captivity. You may have a child who is in the far country. You
may have a child cut off in his or her sin. Don't carry the false
burden that that's proof that you failed. That's a horrible
doctrine. And the second pillar on which
I rest my case is the doctrine of the foolish son in the book
of Proverbs. If there is no such thing as
the foolish son who had good counsel and good chastisement
and good admonition and yet rejected it, why the doctrine of the foolish
son in the book of Proverbs? It's not the doctrine of the
foolish mother or father, it's the doctrine of the foolish son.
And that's why God made provision in Deuteronomy. He says, as a
father, a mother has a son. And they bring him to the elders
of Israel and say, this our son is a drunkard and a glutton,
and though we have chastised him, he has continued in his
way. And he was cut off from Israel. If God would use that word to
take the burden from some man or woman's heart, who's been
tyrannized by this horrible truth, that if you do your job right,
they will turn out right. It ain't necessarily so. Thank God it is most generally
so, but it ain't necessarily so. Fathers, nurture them in
the admonition and in the chastening of the Lord.