This adult Sunday school class
was held on December 29th, 1985 at the Trinity Baptist Church
in Montville, New Jersey. Now, usually at holiday seasons,
we have more than an ordinary number of visitors and just looking
out while we've been waiting for others to be seated. I see
that this is held true to form, and for the sake particularly
of you, our visitors, whom we do cordially welcome in Christ's
name, I do want to give a word of explanation concerning the
general format and substance of this class. It is a time for
careful, in-depth study of the scriptures. Pastor Nichols, for
some months, has been leading us in a study of our confession
of faith, which has been really a layman's course in systematic
theology based upon the Word of God as understood by the historic
Christian and Reformed Church, and Pastor Bob Martin has been
giving us a brief interlude studying the whole subject of is there
such a thing as a carnal Christian. And the method of that study
is generally one of straightforward lecture, as competent, proven,
recognized guides in the scripture pass on to us the fruit of their
labors in a systematic and orderly fashion. However, today, with
Pastor Bob Martin away and Pastor Nichols on the tail end of a
much-needed half-break, half-vacation, I have been asked to take the
class. And both the subject and the method by which the subject
matter is handled will be different. Our subject this morning, and
please don't think I've gone completely off my tree when you
hear it, is the Christian and Common Courtesy. The method by
which we will approach the subject will not be that of a lecture,
but a guided discussion. Now in taking up this rather
strange subject, let me make clear again, particularly to
our visitors, what is abundantly evident in our regular teaching
here in this church, namely that the heart of our concern in this
place is to bring men and women and boys and girls to understand,
to believe, and to experience the power of the central truths
of the Christian faith. We are committed to that with
what I trust is a sanctified passion. That in this place,
men and women, boys and girls will be given an understanding
and urge to believe and to experience the power of the central truths
of the Christian faith. The great truths of God as creator
and judge of the world, man's fall in Adam, his need of the
grace and redemption revealed in Jesus Christ, the necessity
of repentance and faith leading to a holy life if we would eventually
attain heaven at the end of our course. Now those truths are
central to the life and ministry and teaching of this church.
While it is always our concern to address the heart of the Christian
faith, the heart of the Christian faith is not the exhaustive compass
of the Christian faith. And when Jesus gave the Great
Commission, he said in Matthew 28, 19, that his followers were
to teach all things whatsoever he had commanded. And when we
read such epistles as 1 Timothy and Titus, and we find this in
other epistles, but particularly in those epistles, we find detailed
ethical instruction, and Timothy is commanded, these things command
and teach. So that while the central concerns
of the gospel must always be central in our understanding
and in our experience, they do not comprise the exhaustive compass
of the teaching of God's work. So, what we are doing today is
going to one of the outer circles within the compass of the truth
of God's word in scripture as we take up the subject of the
Christian and common courtesy. But lest any visitor go out of
here saying, what kind of church is that? I came as a visitor
and I got a lecture and a discussion on good manners. Well, I want
you to know that we don't carry on such a discussion week by
week. But we do not regard the subject as detached from the
central truths of the gospel, but in reality an expression
of the outworking of those truths, particularly in terms of a text
such as 1 John 2.6, he that says he abides in him ought himself
so to walk even as he, that is, Christ, walked. Alright, with
that little introduction and polemic behind us for what we're
doing, we take up the subject, the Christian and common courtesy. Now let me begin our guided discussion
by giving you the dictionary definition of courtesy and courteous,
and then I'll start asking you some questions, alright? Courtesy. The dictionary definition, the
Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, a polite, helpful, or considerate
act or remark. To show courtesy is to engage
in a polite, helpful, or considerate act or remark. To be courteous
is defined this way, polite and gracious, considerate towards
others, well-mannered. So there's the dictionary definition
of courtesy and courteous. Now, question number one, and
from here on in you're going to do some of the work. Should
a Christian be concerned about cultivating and manifesting a
maximum measure of courtesy? Now think about the question
for a moment. Should a Christian be concerned about cultivating
and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy? All of you that
would answer the question yes, please raise your hand. All that
would say no. All that would like to be neutral
on the question. Okay, someone would like to be neutral. Alright,
many of you answered yes. Okay, now my second question
is, if yes, why? Why should a Christian be concerned
about cultivating and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy? Courtesy in terms of the definition. being polite, helpful, considerate
in act and in word, being polite and gracious, considerate towards
others, well-mannered. Now, prove to me from the scriptures
that a Christian ought to be concerned about this matter of
common courtesy, about being courteous in his demeanor and
in his bearing. All right, Gary? Where do you learn that? Isn't that like people say, you
know, the Bible says God helps those that help themselves, is
what you just quoted out of the Bible? Where? I'll give you a hint. No, Matthew
7 and verse 12. All right, what is commonly called,
as Gary has suggested, the golden rule, In the Sermon on the Mount,
Jesus says in Matthew 7, 12, "...all things therefore whatsoever
you would that men should do unto you, even so do you also
unto them, for this standard is the Law and the Prophets.
In other words, all of the ethical demands at the horizontal level
embodied in the Law and the Prophets finds its distillation in this
pithy little golden rule. As you would that others do unto
you, even so do ye also unto them. Now the assumption is that
the do unto you is the normal, non-perverted expectation of
others' treatment of me. Someone who's a pervert may want
someone to beat him with whips to get a sexual high. Now, therefore,
you go beat others with whips. No, no. This is talking about
man who is not abandoned to perverted expectations of how people treat
him. That's the assumption, the undergirding
assumption. And to push it into another realm
is to pervert the intent of our Lord in the statement. Now, is
there anyone here who does not like to be treated in a courteous,
polite, helpful, considerate way both with respect to people's
actions and words to you. Anyone here? Anyone here who
delights to be treated in a way that would speak of insensitivity
to ordinary social expectations? Do you delight to have people
burp out loud at your table and not say excuse me? Pick their
nose at your table? and cause you to want to barf
your meal? Well, I'm being very blunt, but I'm asking you, do
you like people to treat you that way? To let such actions
impinge on your eyeballs and have a response in your emotions?
As you would that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto
them, for this is the law and the prophet." So, Gary would
root his affirmative answer to the question in the Golden Rule,
alright? Someone else. All right, John. And may I say that we will limit
the contributions to the members of our assembly. We have found
in the past that sometimes when we've extended it, we're not
thinking from a common base and the air has gotten rather tense.
So I should have explained that. We welcome contributions from
our members only because we don't want to have a climate created
that is tense and would in any way greed the spirit. All right.
Yes, John. Alright, that the whole matter
of courtesy is consistent with what you're saying, John, is
the overall drift of the character or character traits or qualities
that are described as the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. The fruit of the Spirit is love,
joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness,
self-control, particularly love. Kindness and goodness would come
within the compass of the definition with which we are working, being
polite, helpful, considerate in deed and word, polite and
gracious, considerate towards others, well-mannered. So John
is saying he would answer in the affirmative because of the
specific as well as the general tenor of the description of the
fruit of the Spirit and then because of the explicit Statement
of Galatians 6.10, as we have opportunity, let us work that
which is good toward all men. Is it good to be polite, helpful,
considerate, enact, and remark, or is that evil? I think anyone
whose thinking is at all guided by scripture would say, in most
circumstances, that is indeed morally good and desirable. And this text says we should
be concerned about working good toward all men indiscriminately
and particularly, though not exclusively, to the household
of faith. All right, someone else who answered the affirmative.
Why? All right, Mr. Bischoff. All right, anything in particular
in that passage, Mr. Bischoff? All right, which verse was that,
Mr. Bischoff? All right, verse four. Love suffers
long and is kind. One of the expressions of biblical
love is kindness. And certainly within that broad
concept of kindness, politeness, helpfulness, consideration in
deed and word, and then verse 5, does not behave itself unseemly. Does not behave itself, some
of the translations render that word, rudely. The word literally
means disgracefully or dishonorably. As you see the usage of that
word, In this passage, so Mr. Bischoff is saying that this
matter of courtesy and being courteous comes within the compass
of the description of how love functions in human relationships. For that's assumed in these verses. It's talking about love as it
manifests itself in human relationships. It is not self-centered. It does not seek its own. It
doesn't behave itself in a disgraceful, dishonorable way. It's obvious,
you see, that that's speaking of behavior that can be observed
and registers in the consciousness of others in our contact and
interaction with them. All right? Chet, did you have
something else? Same passage. All right. All
right, Alan. Excellent. All right. That's. Alright, that's Proverbs 3, 3
and 4. Let not kindness and truth forsake
you, bind them about your neck, write them upon the tablet of
your heart, so shall you find favor and good understanding
in the sight of God and man. Alright, so another line of biblical
evidence that supports your affirmative response to the question, should
a Christian be concerned about cultivating and manifesting a
maximum measure of courtesy or common courtesy? In Romans, chapter 12, in the
entire last paragraph, which is verses 9 through 21, there
are several phrases or verses which indicate verses 9 and 10.
Let love be without hypocrisy, have poor that which is evil,
and rich that which is good. In love with the brethren, be
tenderly affectionate one to another, in honor of preferring
one another. And then in verse 13, the latter
part of the verse is given, to hospitality, and then in verses
16 and 17, said not to bite on my things, but condescend to
things that are lowly, and then verse 17, render to no man evil
for evil, take thoughts where things are honorable in the sight
of all men, and then verse 21, be not overcome with evil, but
overcome evil with good. Alright, so in this paragraph
there are many imperatives laid upon the consciences of the people
of God that would certainly to a greater or lesser degree bring
within their scope the matter of manners and courtesy and being
courteous in our dealings one with another. Alright, anyone
else a fundamental passage or perspective? Jonathan? Yes, or
take account of these things. And certainly Paul does not mean
simply go around with those things in your head. but let them be the concern of
your entire life as a child of God. He goes on to say, the things
you both learned and received and heard and saw in me, these
things do. So Paul exemplified a man who
was taking account of the things that come within the description
of verse 8 and certainly the matter of being courteous and
manifesting courtesy is something that is lovely and of good report. Well, I'm sure we could flush
out many other things. Let me just try to rearrange
some of these things. You've mentioned most, plus some
others that I did not have in the list, but as I tried to think
through the matter in the limited time that was available to me,
I came up with four very fundamental biblical reasons why a Christian
should be concerned about cultivating and manifesting not a minimal
measure of courtesy, but a maximum measure of courtesy. Number one,
it is an expression of a Christ-like mind. Philippians 2, 3 and 4.
It is an expression of a Christ-like mind. Nothing is to be done through
faction or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind, each counting
other better than himself, not looking each of you to his own
things, but each of you also to the things of others. When
a woman goes to put on her coat down in the foyer and a man is
standing there, And he sees her, and he reaches out and helps
her put on that coat. He is manifesting a Christ-like
mind. He is not looking upon his own
things. He may have to slip his own coat
back on the coat rack, but he does the courteous thing and
assists that woman with her coat. Now is that just an empty social
more? No. In the context of one who
is seeking to cultivate a Christ-like mind, what that man is saying
at that moment is, my sister, you getting your coat on is more
important at this point than me getting my coat on. He is
not looking to his own things, but to the things of another.
And it's very interesting that it's precisely in that setting
in John 13 that Jesus says, I have given you an example that you
should do as I've done to you. And what was he doing? He was
looking upon the things of another with respect to a social custom. It was a social custom in those
eastern lands in the day of our Lord. that when you came into
a home, a servant, or someone who would temporarily assume
the role of a servant, would bind himself with a towel, would
take a basin, and then would come and kneel at your feet and
wash your feet. Jesus took the place of a servant
in the context of a common courtesy in that culture. Now he says,
I have left you an example to do as I've done to you. Now surely
it means more than common courtesies, but we cannot by any stretch
of the imagination say it excludes common courtesies. If it takes
in the greater, it takes in the lesser. And so I say that concern
about cultivating and manifesting a maximum measure of courtesy
is number one, an expression of a Christ-like mind. Number
two, And you've all contributed on this, it's a manifestation
of love. And these are the texts I had,
1 Corinthians 13, 5, Romans 13, 9 and 10, and we could add to
that the Romans 12 passage. It's a manifestation of love. Love does not seek its own. Love
does not behave disgracefully or dishonorably. Now, that means
a sensitivity to every culture in which we go. I understand
that there are certain cultures in which a loud burp at a table
is not a dishonorable or disgraceful thing. It is a compliment to
your host and hostess. Now, I do know by experience
that when I went to Pakistan, one of the first things I did
was to ask all kinds of questions about the common courtesies in
the Pakistani culture. and I soon learned that in that
culture a man does not touch a female unless it's a very small
girl whom he may pick up in his arms even girls that are this
tall you don't shake their hand you don't hug them you want to
show an affectionate greeting you just touch them on the forehead
now everything in me so used to seeing little kids boys and
girls and grabbing and hugging that could have been construed
as a disgraceful and dishonorable aspect of my behavior and all
of the purity of my motives would not have negated how it registered
in the minds of the average Pakistani. So I had to learn to resist all
of my instincts and when I saw little girls to stretch my hand
out and touch their forehead. It also meant that if you give
a man a common greeting You don't even shake a woman's hand, an
older woman, you just do like this. So I found myself, when
I was introduced to older women, not sticking my hand out. That
would be considered disgraceful and dishonorable in that context.
It would be considered like propositioning a woman. So I had to learn that. and react accordingly. Furthermore,
I learned that if you want to assure a man that you really
have no sense of superiority over him, you will greet him
in the ordinary Pakistani way, which means three embraces. One
over this shoulder, one over that, one over that, and then
you end up with a handshake. It's not surprising that the
next year I had that back surgery. So we fully recognize, you see,
that there is no flat rule of what is considered helpful and
gracious and considerate, but love is prepared to adapt itself
to the demands of what fits that description. So it is a manifestation
of love. And then, thirdly, it is a part
of a persuasive testimony to outsiders. Now this was in part
touched upon by Johnny's text, Galatians 6.10, but in Romans
13.13 and 1 Thessalonians 4.12, we are admonished to walk becomingly
towards those that are without. And I was meditating upon this,
I thought of Daniel. It says they could find no fault
in him except in the things, what? Pertaining to his God. Now, if Daniel had bad manners
and was discourteous, don't you think they would have picked
on that thing and rubbed it under his nose and the nose of others?
They could find no fault in him. He was utterly blameless, except
in the things pertaining to his God. And we are commanded to
walk becomingly to those that are without. And you see, when
courteous behavior is rooted in gospel motives, it becomes
attractive even to the unconverted. It says that Jesus grew in wisdom
and stature and in favor with God and man. As they saw the graces, among
other things, the graces of true courteousness in him, he grew
in favor. And then the fourth biblical
foundation for this concern, it is a necessary application
of the Golden Rule. And where is that found, Ger? Twelve. Ah, good. Alright, he
won't forget that reference. It's a necessary application
of the Golden Rule. The absence of courtesy can cause
grief, embarrassment, and tension. Do you like to be grieved, embarrassed,
and put in an unnecessarily tense situation? Then, as you would
that others do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. Alright? Having established I trust without
an extensive flushing of the thing out, you've been able,
as it were, to skim off the top of the barrel of abundant biblical
evidence that your affirmative answer is indeed rooted in a
sensitivity to biblical norms. That was question number one. Should a Christian be concerned?
Most of you said yes. Question two. If so, why? And
you've given the answer. Question number three. What are
some of the most obvious areas where Christians ought to excel
in courtesy? What are some of the obvious
areas or categories of interpersonal relationships where Christians
ought to excel in courtesy? Alright? Linda? Okay, in the whole area of expressing
gratitude for any kindnesses shown to us. Excellent. That's
an area where we ought to excel because we know that the only
thing that was ever owed to us is hell. And anything else we
get is either God's common grace or his special grace in Christ.
So of all people, Christians ought to be thankful. And God
has not made us mind readers. We are letter readers. We can't
hear the words of your heart when they're only echoing in
the chambers of your heart, but we can hear them when you speak
them through the earpiece of a telephone, and you give a call
to just express thanks, alright? So the area of thankfulness,
another area. Alright, Louise? Are you not sure of that, or
is that half a confession? Alright, in driving our cars,
Now specifically that means if anyone is going to stop and let
the man out who's stuck in a little side street in a line of traffic
and desperately wanting to get out, as you would that others
do unto you, even so do ye also unto them. What do ye more than
others, Jesus said. I mean, I have literally found
myself praying sometimes in that situation with the way Route
23 has been glutted since Willowbrook opened and we have to make an
entrance and exit off that to get to our home. I found myself
praying, Lord, please put a little common grace in somebody or bring
along even a Christian who's got some grace active in this
area to let me out of here. You just wait and wait and wait
in the whole area, courtesy. You're the salt of the earth.
And we need to be sprinkled across the highways in our driving attitudes
and patterns, being courteous and considerate. All right, some
other areas. Yes, Belton? In finding it a delight to speak
of the virtues and gifts of our brothers and sisters. Not finding
ourselves getting it stuck in our throat to pay someone a legitimate
compliment or to speak of them in not a flattering way, but
in a genuinely Christian and honest manner of our appreciation
of a certain person. And especially when we have to
speak of an area of their strength that may excel us in that area
and shows us up. All right? Another area in which
we can express courtesy. All right, Julie? Look, please
and thank you, just the common verbal expressions. Now, is that
just with outsiders? How about husbands and wives?
Is it ever right, after so many years of marriage, to assume
that it no longer needs the grace of courtesy? Honey, get my shirt! Is that warranted? Dear, will
you please take out the garbage? Well, you see, you can say please
in such a way that you negate all the significance. Please
must drip honey, not vinegar. You see? All right, so just those
common courtesies. Please. Dear, would you please
pass the salt? Dear, would you? Yes, please,
please. Thank you, thank you. All right,
some other areas, quickly. Yes, all right, Phil? In the
situation where we would naturally be tempted to return curtness
for curtness, I find a challenge every time I drive up to a toll
booth. And if I have to get change,
I say, or if I need a receipt, may I please have a receipt,
sir? I say it is sweet. I mean, the honey is dripping
all off it. And most of the time, you don't even get a grunt. But
I keep going. And once in a while, you get
a nice response and it's worth all the investment of, you know,
because you don't know how many people have just driven up to
him and not even given the man, treated him like he was just
a bucket, one of the machines. Maybe his negative attitude is
the cumulative effect of people treating him as though he were
not a human being because he has a very mundane task of collecting
toads. So very good point, Phil. Alright,
Florence? Alright, in the whole matter
of our work ethics, that we show that we have a respect to someone
else's expectations of us, alright? Because our time is going quickly,
I want to articulate several areas that are of particular
concern to me, and we've discussed these matters as elders, so at
this point I'm not just speaking for myself, all right? And you
may want to flush out some of these and add some others. But
I think it's evident that if we begin to think along this
line, the spectrum it covers is very broad. But in answer
to the question, what are some of the most obvious areas where
Christians ought to excel in courtesy, many that you've mentioned
come under this heading. social customs which in any cultural
context are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves.
Social customs which in any cultural context are the symbolism of
preferring others above ourselves. I mentioned
earlier in the context of our culture a man helping a woman
on with a coat, holding a door open for another, opening the
car door for another, taking the elbow of a woman as she crosses
the street, pulling out a chair at a table. In the context in
which we live, Those are the symbols of a man preferring and
honoring a woman, not demeaning her, but preferring her. It is
saying to the woman, it is more important that you be comfortably
and safely seated than that I be seated. And those are the symbols
of preferring one another. Appropriate dress and attire,
telephone etiquette, Some of you are doing an excellent job
with your children in this area, and whenever they manifest it,
I always compliment them. If they say, hello, this is Johnny
Smith speaking, may I help you, or who is speaking, please? But
others of your children are not being taught this. I'll call
and they say, hello. And it just screams discourteousness.
It's an adult voice on the other end. No, I'm not saying your
children are discourteous. It may simply be that you've not
seen the importance of cultivating these graces, simple things. I had in my notes such as please
and thank you. The whole matter of the acceptable
table manners in any given culture. What is an acceptable medium
or focal point of verbal exchange? Pastor Clark, as we were discussing
this last night, said that he understands and has heard that
in China, It is socially acceptable in that cultural context, in
fact expected, that one of the first questions you ask when
you meet a stranger is, how old are you? And knowing that, the
person will know how he's to relate to you, with their respect
for the aged. If someone, I guess, is just
three years older than the one who's three years younger, whether
it's 53 and 56 or 23 and 20, immediately knows what his demeanor
and bearing is to be. And in some cultures, even certain
linguistic forms are appropriate to the inferior and some to the
superior. So it doesn't mean that you import
all of the details in our cultural context into another, in our
very country. Certain things are appropriate
in a southern rural context as expressions of courtesy that
would be considered socially boorish in a Yankee urban context. But what I'm affirming is that
as a Christian, the social customs which in any cultural context
are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves, we should
make an effort to be aware of them, to master them, and to
practice them until they become second nature to us. Now, to
root it in what I think is the most convincing biblical example,
turn to Luke chapter 7. Is it Christ-like to expect these
things? To feel disappointed and insulted
if we are denied these things? My answer to that is an unequivocal
yes, it is Christ-like according to Luke chapter 7 verse 36. And one of the Pharisees desired
him that he would eat with him, speaking of our Lord. And he
entered into the Pharisee's house and sat down to meet or reclined
at table. As you know, they did not eat
in a sitting position, they reclined on an elbow and there was a large
table and they would reach out and take the food from what would
be sort of like a couch seating configuration. And behold, a
woman was in the city, a sinner, that is, a notorious sinner.
And when she knew that he was sitting at meat in the Pharisees'
house, she brought an alabaster cruz of ointment, and standing
behind at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with
her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head, and kissed
his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. Now the Pharisee
that had bitten him saw it, and spoke within himself, saying,
This man, if he were a prophet, would have perceived who and
what manner of woman this is that touched him, that she is
a sinner. And Jesus answered and said unto him, Simon, I have
somewhat to say to you. And he said, Teacher, say on.
Then he gives a parable to underscore the principle that the man who
is conscious of being forgiven much will love much. But now
here's the point that I want to make from the passage. Verse
44. And turning to the woman, he said unto Simon, Do you see
this woman? I entered your house. You gave me no water from my
feet. You did not confer upon me the
common accepted social custom of greeting a friend. You gave
me no water from my feet. But she has wetted my feet with
her tears and wiped them with her hair. Verse 45, You gave
me no kiss, the common greeting that showed cordiality and acceptance. He said, You denied me that,
and I was conscious that you denied me that. You gave me no
kiss. But she, since the time make
him in, hath not ceased to kiss my feet. Verse 46, My head with
oil you did not anoint. But she has anointed my feet
with ointment, and then he goes on to show that this was an expression
of her love to Christ. Now, isn't it interesting that
her love found expression in conferring those tokens, those
symbols of common courtesy? And they were denied, our Lord,
by this Pharisee, and Jesus uses that as the very occasion to
show that he had no love to Christ. Now, if Jesus took note of the
absence of common courtesy, is it unchristlike for us to take
note of it? Is it unchristlike for me to feel insulted if one
of you walks by me and refuses to greet me with an open face
and an open hand, which is the common greeting that we give
even to unconverted men? Is that wrong for me to feel
grieved? Is it wrong for you to feel grieved
if you should stand there after this class and I walk right by
you and just as I come to you with no good reason except I'm
utterly indifferent to your presence I do not greet you and at least
smile and nod my head and acknowledge. Is it wrong for you to feel greed
that you do not have extended to you a common greeting? No,
it's right for you to feel greed. To take notice of that and to
feel greed. Now it is not right for you to fight evil with evil. He won't say hello to me, I won't
say hello to him. No, you must overcome evil with good. And
you must then continue to say hello to me and smile at me even
though I don't smile at you. Now I don't think there's anyone
that can ever say that I ever did that. If so, and you feel
I have, please come to me, because I've not consciously done so.
You see the point? And so this whole matter of being
sensitive to the social customs which in any cultural context
are the symbolism of preferring others above ourselves, it is
indeed a matter of being Christ-like to be aware of them and like
our Lord to engage in them, John 13, it is not sinful to feel
grieved when they are denied us either through willful ignorance
of what is expected or indifference to fulfilling. those expectations. I want to read just a couple
of paragraphs out of Betty Elliot's excellent book called The Mark
of a Man. I think it's part of God's judgment
on our own mixed-up society that God had to use a woman, and I
don't say that demeaning a woman because I wouldn't be quoting
her if I were demeaning her, that God's had to use a woman
to state in the best way I've seen in modern literature of
anything I've read what a real man is. And she writes saying,
courtesy is sacrificial symbolism. I say that courtesy is sacrificial
symbolism because each act is a small sign that you're willing
to give your life for another. When you pass the salt to your
wife, you're saying, you first. When you help her on with her
coat, you're not saying, you're too weak to do it yourself. You're
saying, you're willing to take trouble for her. Good morning,
dear. How are you this morning? Is
a convention, of course. Conventions have only become
conventions because they've worked and have meant something for
a long time, end of parenthesis. But if you think about it, you
could, by that conventional greeting, be meaning, my feelings are not
my primary interest this morning, yours are. Sir Walter Raleigh's
putting down his cloak in a puddle for the sake of his queen was
an inconvenience, to say the least. But love is willing to
be inconvenient. It's a mistake to dismiss customs
by saying, it's only cultural. Yes, it is cultural. But it's
within the context of our culture that we communicate selfishness
or unselfishness. And then she quotes the passage
from Luke chapter 7. Then she shows that when the
two angels came to Sodom, Lot observed the courtesies of his
time. He rose from his seat, bowed with his face to the earth,
invited them to spend the night at his house, and washed their
feet. When they accepted the invitation, he baked bread and
made a feast. He felt himself responsible for
their safety when the men of the city would have attacked
them. Do nothing to these men, for they have come under the
shelter of my roof. Peter exhorted Christians to
honor all men, honor the emperor. Paul said, outdo one another
in showing honor. The great love chapter says,
love has good manners. Now that's not what it says,
that's a paraphrase that is a poor translation. Now he goes on to
say, Courtesy has to become a habit, a characteristic condition of
mind or body disposition, a thing done often and hence done easily,
a tendency to perform in a certain way. This is an excellent chapter
on the subject of courtesy. So that is the first broad area. In answer to the question, what
are some of the most obvious areas where Christians ought
to excel in courtesy, I answer, as you have answered, in social
customs which in any cultural context are the symbolism of
preferring others above ourselves. Now, the second area, and here
I want to speak very frankly and I trust lovingly, cultivating
verbal interactions which fully recognize and respect the rights
of privacy. cultivating verbal interactions
which fully recognize and respect the rights of privacy. You see, the fact that you are
my brother or my sister in Christ does not give me unlimited access
to all the details of your life. The fact that I am one of your
pastors does not give me that right. And there are times when
some of God's people in this place have mistaken unqualified
acceptance of one another in Christ as a blank check to unlimited
right of access to all the details about one another. For example,
years ago, and I'm thankful the woman is no longer in the church,
so if she was sitting here, you couldn't find who she was by
looking for the reddest face. But we had a group of women over
at the Parsonage. And as a good pastor is supposed to do, I left
the women alone and was up in my study. But just as I happened
to come down the door, because even preachers in study occasionally
have to take care of normal biological needs, and as some of you know,
the upstairs bathroom is down at the half flight of stairs
from my study, and as I opened the study door and came down
the stairs, I couldn't believe my ears. Here this woman was
asking one of the women of our church, who I had had to counsel,
who was struggling with the problems of childlessness. And I heard
her say bluntly, are you pregnant yet? And I knew it was going
like a knife to that poor girl's heart. She longed to be a mother. And every month rolled around
and her weeping womb was the symbol of her disappointment.
It was like a knife to her heart. And here this sister came along
and just rammed a sword in. Are you pregnant yet? Everything
in me wanted to go down and take that other woman by the shoulders
and say, who in the name of common sense do you think you are? That's
a private affair. You have no right to ask your
closest friend that question. Your closest friend may seal
the intimacy of that friendship by saying, I'm telling you a
secret that I haven't told anyone else yet. They have the right
to say, our friendship is such that I feel safe disclosing this
to you. But that doesn't mean you have
the right to pry it out of them. It is never right for you to
ask a woman, are you pregnant? Are you trying to have a baby?
And yet those questions are asked of people around here. It is
never right when someone shows up in a new coat, oh, where'd
you get that? How could you afford that? Those kind of questions
have been asked around here. Oh, you're buying a house? How
can you afford to buy a house? That's none of your business.
That is none of your business. None of your business whatsoever.
Oh, your husband's going on a business trip? Well, now that your kids
are all grown, why aren't you going with him? That's none of
your business. Oh, your husband's going on a vacation by himself
and you're not going with him? How come? That's none of your
business. That is none of your business. That is rude, intrusive,
and discourteous. There may be a very, very sensitive
combination of factors that result in any one of those circumstances
that I've described, and just your mentioning them puts a person
in a place of awkwardness and embarrassment and possibly hurt
and resentment. And you can cause your brothers
and sisters to sin and to stumble into sins of resentment. By failing
to recognize this principle, no matter how intimate may be
the friendship, it is no warrant to unlimited access to information. Now, I wrestled with this matter
and said, Lord, what is it that has produced this phenomenon
in our day? Because I don't recall it being
a problem 20 years ago. And it may be, I'm only suggesting,
it may be that because many people watch regularly the network news
you've picked up the unassumed perspective of the news media
they feel they have unlimited access and right to everything
that goes on and their brashness disgusts me and angers me people
are torn to pieces after a tragedy and they're there with their
cameras zooming in on their tears and their broken hearts and asking
them stupid questions It could be that we've allowed
ourselves to absorb. I don't know. I say I'm not laying
out a thesis. I'm just saying, could it be
that in this area we've allowed ourselves to be patterned after
the world rather than after Christ? But dear people of God, may I
urge you to recognize that common courtesy means that we will not
only seek to be sensitive to the social customs which in any
cultural context are the symbolism of preferring one another, but
we will recognize and cultivate verbal interactions which respect
the rights of privacy. You remember that text, Proverbs
27, 14? It's a good text. Speaking to this whole matter,
2714, he that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early
in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him. You say, oh,
I just love my brother so much, I'm going to go by early in the
morning. He can stand out on his lawn and say, Lord, bless
you, brother. May the blessing of the Lord
come upon you, brother. He says, he'll think you're pronouncing
a curse on him. Why? You're disturbing his right
of privacy to sleep. You're making your time schedule
his. He doesn't appreciate it. And no matter how sincere you
are, it doesn't negate it. You might as well be out there
cursing him. That's what the writer says. Now you see how that fits?
You may mean very well in what you say and what you do, but
if it violates these canons within our culture as we seek to think
biblically, the very opposite is what we will convey. by that
deed, by that word, by that particular act. Well, those were the two
areas that I was particularly concerned about from a pastoral
standpoint. We've got about three minutes left. Questions or further
contributions? Yes. Mr. Lee? I don't know if
I can kind of word it, but perhaps another category could be when
we go to someone else's home. with our children showing that
we have a respect for their property by not having our kids run on
their furniture, putting our feet on their tables and things
like that? Absolutely. Very vital thing, especially
with so many little ones in our congregation, that we must be
sensitive that we have the right under God to set up certain standards
for how our home will be run. But we don't have a right to
impose those standards on someone else. And we may do well to ask
when we go into a home, are there any things here that your children
are forbidden to touch? Any areas they're forbidden to
go? We found that helpful to find out what the house rules
were. Then we could impart them. I'm not a mind reader. My wife
was not a mind reader. Our children were not mind readers.
So here we must communicate freely. All right. Jim, and then we'll
come back to you, Phil. Yes. Yes, not only in our work commitments,
but also in our social commitments. And if we know we're going to
be late, I mean, it's obvious. It takes you half an hour to
get to the place you're supposed to be. You said you're going to
be there at seven and it's quarter to seven. How much does it cost
to get on the phone and say, look, I'm sorry, I'll explain
later if an explanation is necessary, but I'm just leaving now. I won't
be there till quarter after seven. You know what it's like as a
woman. If you're preparing a meal and you've scheduled everything
to come out of the oven at 5 till, and the meat to set a little
bit so your hubby can cut it right at 7, everything on the
table, that 15 minutes can throw everything into a tizzy. And then a husband's trying to
calm a wife down who's in a tizzy, and then they can end up having
their nerves sort of by the time you get there, simply because
you didn't have enough common courtesy to put through a call,
you've created a tense climate. You've done it. Now they're responsible
if they're not mature enough to handle it. I realize that.
They shall bear their own guilt for their own sin. But do we
need unnecessarily to provoke people to sin? So there's a vital
area of courtesy. Just a phone call. Yes. Now Phil,
and then we'll come down here to Arlene. Yes, Phil? I was curious
about, and I like this, but there's a good dividing line between
what's good taste and bad taste in this area. When you go back
to the story of the pregnant woman, they were supposed to
bear each other's burdens and make sure that we, the church,
were going to be judged. Sometimes the only way you're going to
know this stuff is by asking them. Now, mind you, she didn't
do it because of acting. But for, you know, for this type
of information, Let's assume that if people don't
tell us, they don't want us to bear the burden with us, they
don't want us to rejoice with them yet. Always assume that
until they get the burden out where I can put my shoulder under
it, or they bring out the trophy of God's goodness that I can
rejoice with them, let me assume that for some reason they do
not believe that this time they want to share that. So it's their
responsibility, each one of us. must be the judge of what we
want to disclose. Who knoweth the things of a man
save the spirit of a man which is in him? You only know as much
of me as I am prepared to disclose to you. Now, my thinking about
what I disclose should be conditioned by the Bible. In certain contexts,
confess your sins one to another, pray one for another, bear one
another's burdens. But I must not make my standard
the standard for someone else. I must leave that person to answer
to his Lord as he seeks or she seeks to disclose what is appropriate
to me. Alright? So we can take that
as the rule of thumb. And that no friendship, no matter
how intimate, even a husband and wife don't have unlimited
right of access to all that the other is thinking or feeling.
There are some things about me my wife doesn't know, some things
about her that I don't know. Only God has that unqualified,
unconditional right of access to the totality of what I am
and who I am and what I'm going through. Alright? So I must not
assume I have that right. Arlene, this will have to be
the last comment because our time is gone. It's 10.31. I think
it's part of courtesy if you have a television where it's
available to people that if someone's coming into your home you might
turn it off. Yes, unless you've agreed and
said, you know, there's a certain thing that would you like to
watch? And if they say no, then you defer to them. They're your
guest. They have priority of claim over whether or not the
television. All right. Now they're specific. So if we
begin to think in this way, you can see how far reaching the
implications will be. Well, I trust then if you realize
that this is not something concerning which the Bible is silent, the
Christian and common courtesy. May God make us more and more
Christlike. in this whole area. Let us pray
together. Our Father, we thank you for
your holy word, which is a lamp unto our feet and a light to
our pathway. And we do confess that before
its withering, searching light, we again and again are brought
to see our sin. Forgive us for the sins of insensitivity
to one another. Forgive us for the sins of a
carnal intrusion upon the privacy of others. forgive us for the
sins our father of