The God ordained relationship of husband and wife

Q: What does the Bible say about the relationship of husband and wife?

The Bible teaches that husbands and wives should live in a God-honoring relationship, with husbands loving their wives sacrificially and wives submitting to their husbands' leadership. The Bible outlines specific roles for husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:21-33 and 1 Peter 3:1-7, emphasizing a pattern of mutual respect and love. Husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loves the church, which involves sacrificial, unconditional love and spiritual leadership. Wives, in turn, are called to submit to their husbands, reflecting a spirit of cooperation and mutual support in the marriage bond. This relationship also portrays a deeper mystery, symbolizing the relationship between Christ and His church. As Christ cares for and leads His church, husbands are to lead their families with wisdom and tenderness, ensuring that the marriage reflects God's glory and purpose. The union is designed to be a living example of Christ’s relationship with His people, thereby drawing others to faith through the witness of the marriage. The essence of these teachings reinforces the practicalities of gracious living within the home, demonstrating how obedience to God’s Word shapes not only individual lives but also the broader community.

Q: How do we know the doctrine of marital roles is true?

The doctrine of marital roles is affirmed through Scripture, which presents clear directives from God for husbands to love and lead, and for wives to support and submit. The truth of marital roles is grounded in the authority of Scripture, where explicit teachings guide both husbands and wives toward fulfilling their God-given responsibilities. In Ephesians 5:23, 'the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church,' which establishes the divine order in marriage. Additionally, 1 Peter 3 emphasizes the importance of submission and honorable conduct, providing a framework for how wives are to conduct themselves while upholding their husband’s leadership. Moreover, historical interpretations within the Reformed tradition underscore that this structure is not merely cultural; rather, it reflects God’s original design for human relationships since creation. The principles found in these passages are affirmed through the continuity of biblical teaching, church history, and theological consensus, showing that they remain relevant and transformative for relationships today. The doctrine is not just a set of rules but a design intended for the flourishing of both spouses, leading to a harmonious and God-honoring marriage that ultimately reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church.

Q: Why is the relationship between Christ and the Church important for marriage?

The relationship between Christ and the Church serves as a model for marriage, illustrating sacrificial love and mutual submission. The relationship between Christ and the Church is crucial for understanding marriage as it provides the ultimate example of love, sacrifice, and commitment. Ephesians 5:32 identifies marriage as a 'great mystery' that symbolizes the union between Christ and His people. This model illustrates how husbands are to love their wives unconditionally, mirroring Christ’s love for the Church, which was exhibited through His ultimate sacrifice. When husbands lead their families in love and wives submit with respect, they reflect the profound spiritual truth of Christ’s relationship with the Church. It shows that just as the Church responds to Christ's love and leadership, so should wives respond to their husbands. This dynamic creates an environment conducive to grace, forgiveness, and growth. By adhering to this divine pattern, marriages can flourish, serving not only as a witness to their families but also to the world around them, demonstrating the transformative power of Christ’s love through their own interactions.

Seeking for the help of the Lord, I direct your prayer for attention to 1 Peter chapter 3 and reading for our text the first seven verses. This is number 14 in the Epistles of Peter series, the husband and wife relationship. From verse one, likewise ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands, that if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation or behavior of the wives, while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

His adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel, but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner, in the old time, the holy women, also who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life. Let your prayers be not hindered.

1 Peter 3 verses 1 through to 7. In the previous chapter we were taught of Christian submission to authority and how to follow Christ's example. Now in these first seven verses here we are to consider how a husband and wife should live to God's honour and glory. I want to look at three points. to look at seven reasons to heed the teaching of these verses. And then secondly, the direction to husbands, and thirdly, the direction to wives.

It might seem a strange thing to put a heading that we need an incentive to actually heed part of the Word of God. But I believe we do need, from time to time, to be really reminded of why it is necessary. And especially in some circumstances where we might think, well, this doesn't apply to us. And so the seventh one may come as perhaps a little surprise.

But firstly, it brings us to pattern our lives on the word of God. In verse one, we have the teaching as the husband should be obeying the word. but a situation if they do not obey the Word, how the wives should act. So it is a reminder to us, this is a portion of the Word of God, that it teaches us how to live in a practical way. It goes back in a way reinforcing creation pattern, the order, Adam first formed and then Eve, The pattern in the Church of God is 1 Corinthians 11 as well. God, then the man, God, then Christ, then the man, then the woman, the order observed in the Church. Here, of course, is the order in the marriage and how we behave within the marriage bond. So it is a pattern for our lives. aspects of the Word of God we had in the previous chapter concerning all in authority over us.

We have directions to children, obeying parents, we have a direction to obey those in authority over us and in Romans 13 to pay our dues and our taxes. The Word of God is a very practical book. And our Lord told the parable of the one that built upon the rock and upon the sand to illustrate the difference between being a hearer of the Word and a doer of the Word. James also speaks of it, that we are to look into the Word of God and not forget what we see and what manner of persons we are. and to fashion our lives according to it.

So that is the first reason it brings us to pattern our lives on the Word of God. The second is that it brings the marriage to be a God-honouring one. If marriage is, or anything really is, to honour God, It will only do so as we pattern it after God's pattern. And so whatever our situation in life, may our prayer be, Lord, may my situation, may my marriage, may my relationship be to thy honour and to thy glory.

And the answer will be in the pages of scripture. But thirdly, it may be the means of converting an unbelieving husband. Verse 1 implies this, that a husband may be one that is not obeying the word, but that through observing and seeing the conduct of his wife, that they be won by that conduct and it be a means of their salvation. So this passage is not just speaking of those that both husband and wife are believers but also thinking of the situation that Paul has in 1 Corinthians and which would have been quite common in the early church where a couple unbelieving and then one believes and then it leaves the other one saying well that's not the wife I married or that's not the husband I married but Paul says if they're happy to abide together let them abide because the marriage is sanctified by the believing one and so then here is pointed to the possibility of a husband in this case who won't come to chapel, who won't hear the word read, but does see how his wife acts and behaves, and that is used by God to win them over as for their conversion.

And it's good to have the Word of God pointing to that possibility, because in most cases, of course, we would expect that the word is needed for conversion. But as a first step, often example and leadership in the things of God can be used. And this then here is an incentive to heed the advice and the teaching in this passage. The fourth one is that it will be a living example to others.

We have the case of Sarah in verse 6 and in verse 5, holy women who trusted in God adorn themselves being in subjection unto their own husbands. So there is a example that is set before us from scripture, but we may also say that those that follow after, in their turn, they are to be examples as well. I think many of us, where we've had godly parents, when we've seen how they've acted as grandparents, and now we become grandparents, that we want to be like they were. We can see the grace that they had and how they acted, and quite without the word. We want to follow their example. Example is a very powerful thing, especially where it is consistent and where it is based upon the Word of God. So in paying heed to this, we are looking at others and expecting to see that example, but we're also an example ourselves. What example are we to our wives, to our husbands, to our children, would we fit into the verses five and six?

Then we have that our prayers be not hindered. At the end of verse 7, we could read it in a couple of ways. One, it could be that personally, whether we pray one with another or not, that our prayers would be hindered if we're not walking according to the Word of God. But especially where it is in a marriage situation where you can have the family altar and where there can be those prayers together, to walk contrary to God's pattern will hinder those prayers. So another incentive to follow the pattern here We do not want hindered prayers. We want to have that freedom to pray and to bring our concerns before the Lord, our thanksgivings before the Lord.

In the sixth place, it is that the relationship would be a living type of Christ and the Church. We read in Ephesians, the beautiful passage at the end of Ephesians 5, where we are so clearly set forth that marriage is a type of Christ and the Church. And right through that passage, the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church. As the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wise be to their own husbands in everything. Christ loved the church, gave himself for it, and that he might present it to himself a glorious church. The Lord's aim is to form his church, his people, so that it is to his honour and glory and his enjoyment and to be with him in heaven. And the apostle says in verse 32, this is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church. And so with God's grace and help if we walk according to the pattern in our text and in that in Ephesians, we again shall be a living example of Christ as the husband and the wife, as the church.

And the last one, number seven. Even if we are not married, I'm very mindful of this passage, you might say, well, if I'm not married, how does this apply? to me. If we are looking, if we are mindful of the teaching here, then though we are not married, we can look upon those that are.

And in mindfulness of the Word of God, have also a seeing of that type of Christ and the Church. It's like the many types and shadows in the Word of God. We may not experience them or walk through them, but in seeing them in the Word, it illustrates just as well to us. Our Lord and His Church, His people, the sacrifice at Calvary.

And so, in every way, It is a benefit and blessing, even if we're not in that situation. My mind went to another situation, and I often mention this, that all of the epistles, they are written to believers. Now, if we use the same thought and said, whenever a minister gives out a text from any of Paul's epistles, say, well, that doesn't apply to me because I'm not a believer. It's written to believers. So I can't get any good out of it. I can't profit from that word at all. That can't be right.

So by listening to what God is saying to a believer and to his church, even those that are not yet brought to faith or full assurance, they are learning. They're being instructed. They're being taught. And the Lord can and does bless the word to them as well as they listen to what the Lord is saying through his word to his people. Eventually, those that listen, they will realize that actually they are his people and the Lord has given them a hearing ear and they are listening. They do hear what the Lord is saying to the church.

And so like this as well, not married, not in that situation, but are there not things that in reading it we can get a type and a picture more clear of Christ and by seeing others' marriages as well have a view of what the Lord means to teach us through them. So it's good to think when we come to practical parts of the Word of God, what is the incentive, apart from the fact of wanting to obey the Word, to walk in the Word, and sometimes it can be put the other way as well. What are we missing out on if we don't walk in it? If we choose not to obey, what is the other side?

And so it is good to think in those terms rather than just pass it over and say, well, that's a difficult passage. That's an awkward passage. I'd rather not delve too closely into that because it might have implications for my life and hard things to actually walk out. I know what it is to subconsciously avoid parts of scripture in that way, and I'm guilty of it myself. But when we do these consecutive readings you can't escape parts of the Word of God, you've got to cover them. And may it be that the Lord is pleased to bless it to us.

So I want to look then secondly at the directions, firstly to the husband. In verse 1 we go back to the direction that the husband is to obey the Word. And really that applies to all of the Word of God. He's to be mindful of all the teaching, the direction, the instruction in the Word of God relative to his position as a husband. to obey the word. It puts really quite a responsibility on a husband to know what the word says. If he's going to be a spiritual guide and teacher, instructor to his wife and to be the head of the wife in that way, in worship, he himself needs to know something of the Word of God and obey it. So I don't want to really fetter that idea in just directing to specific parts of the Word, but I do want to look at some headings of the Word of God that point us as husbands to what we should be obeying.

When Paul wrote to the Colossians in chapter 3 verse 19, he says, Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them. An exultation to love and not be bitter It implies that there will be those things that in a natural way could make a man bitter, but the exhortation is to love and not be bitter. If we go back to Paul's epistle to the Ephesians, there's a lot of instruction there. Again, thinking of the love.

Our Lord's love for his church, of course, is a sacrificial love. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it. Now, of course, it's not setting forth that the husband actually lays down his life in that way. but very much in the same way as we're exhorted to lay down our lives for the brethren. In other words, when we have things that we want to do, things that are our life, our hobbies, and things that we put a price on the time and want to do, there'll be those times that we have to lay that aside and the time is given for the wife instead of to ourselves, laying aside our personal preferences, our time, our desires to prioritise a wife's needs above our own. That is the patterning of Christ that we minister to her. Also is to be an unconditional love. The Lord loves his people unconditionally, in spite of what they do.

What a picture we have in the wilderness journeys, where God's people, they murmured, they complained, they wanted to go back to Egypt. But God still loved them as his people, and he brought them at last to the promised land. And though they did all of that, we can get a real picture in the time when Balaam, he came to curse, but God turned his curse to a blessing upon the people. And through Balaam, the people were spoken of as being a blessed people, and that he had not seen perverseness in Jacob.

And he speaks hiding all of Israel's faults, all of their rebellings and sins and pictures them as in Christ, as viewed in Christ. And those that seek love, he that covereth a transgression seeketh love. And certainly to those outside of a marriage bond, a husband, not to be running down his wife or highlighting faults or things that are wrong. but covering those and protecting her in that way as his own flesh. It is leading what Christ does gently.

One says, thy gentleness hath made me great. And when Esau wanted to lead the flocks of Jacob and the mothers and the children, then Jacob forbade him. He said, if thou was to overdrive, but one day all the flock will die. And it's a beautiful pattern of our Lord. Our Lord is a shepherd, and he leads his people. He doesn't drive them. He doesn't overdrive them. And he's mindful, like Jacob was, of their weaknesses, their limitations, on how fast they could go, how slow they could go, and his leading took that into account. And we have that in the last verse of our text, where it is to dwell with them according to knowledge.

You know, if we had someone that we had no knowledge of whatsoever. And we had to lead and direct them. And suddenly we found out that, well, they'd got this infirmity, and they'd got this weakness, and they'd got a heart complaint, or they'd got asthma, or they'd had a broken leg. And the more and more you found out about them would adjust what you actually required of them. We have in verse 7 that it is dwelling according to knowledge. We are to use the knowledge we have as a husband or a wife as to how we actually lead.

I realise in many of these things I'm probably making a rod for my own back, but if it is the word of God then I must bring it this way, mustn't I? So it is also to lead in a spiritual way. and to nourish and protect in a spiritual way. It's a blessed thing if we, the means of leading, wife, and when we have the children, to the Lord and shepherding them in the word of God. Providing not just the bread that perisheth. We think of, if a man provide not for his own, he is worse than an infidel. but we are to provide that which our Lord said, man shall not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. Husband also to maintain that sexual purity, respect her body, to have a successful marriage and a healthy spiritual life should be the aim of it. and I think especially what is set before us in Ephesians, what Christ's aim was, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself, a glorious church.

In a way, Christ is receiving the benefit of how he treats and teaches his church. And a husband walking according to the Word of God will then receive the benefit as from his wife, according to how he has been as a husband. We reap what we sow. In a lot of ways it's a very high standard for us. For a husband, he's trying to imitate Christ. He's aware that people will be looking upon him. How is he acting? Is he acting in a Christ-like way?

That should make us very careful and very prayerful that we might to all things in a way we're not expecting unreasonable, unscriptural things of our wives. Well if that's for the husband, and again I would say, I don't want to just limit it to those points, because it's the whole Word of God. It's all of the Word of God, channeled into a practical outworking in our lives and how we act toward a wife.

But what then, in the third place, are the directions to the wife? In verse one, subjection to the husband's leadership. And if we go back to the word in Colossians, that is as unto the Lord. In Colossians 3 verse 18, wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord.

Not to follow things where you're required to walk in a sinful way or an ungodly way, but when that comes to pass, if that should be required, then still with a esteeming, honouring the husband to gently reprove or refuse and to consistently walk in the ways of the Lord.

I believe this is where we are exhorted to not be in fear or afraid with any amazement. It is not to be frightened of carefully standing for the Word of God and walking according to it. I don't believe the Word of God here would point any wife to silently, submissively be subject to abuse or hurt but in her reaction to the things that are brought before her to act, even in that, in a meek, gracious way. And in verse 1, the aim being that the husband that's not acting according to the Word may see the reason why the wife acts as she does and because later on we are told having be able to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope and of course if we are in a position where we cannot obey something required of us then to be able to give a scriptural reason meekly why we cannot do that.

We're also to walk in a way of behaviour as cheerful, affectionate, honouring the married state and being willing to be led by the husband as his position. And where he's seeking, especially with family worship or seeking to establish an order in the home to back him up in that, support him in what he's trying to do, realizing that it may be a difficult thing, hard to do, especially where there's children involved, and needs the backup and support of the wife.

One thing that is to come through the spirit is not just outward adorning, but that which is inward. Verse 3 and 4 contrasted together have either to be paying attention to our adorning or that which is within. And the emphasis is that which is within. The ornament of a meek and quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great price. The Lord is seeing Our spirit is seeing the motive, what we're doing and how we're acting, and that must be to us what is the important thing.

And yet, if that is right, out of the abundance of the heart man speaketh, the outward then will naturally be all right. We are to walk in that way that encourages and supports especially those that seek to fear the Lord. But where it is not so, to be extra careful that our actual actions are still honouring that marriage union.

It says here, one of the reasons is being heirs together of the grace of God. And it's the grace of life. Now whether both are converted, we might say that's a great privilege. We are heirs of the grace of God in Christ Jesus. But even if that is not the case, there is common grace. There's the grace of God as being in a marriage union.

And so in that, we are to walk as being bound by God together, whether a husband or a wife, that that be the aim that the Lord has put us into that. union, and that while one part may not walk according to it, on our part, if we fear God, we walk according to the Word of God.

Going back to the type of Christ and the Church, how often there is a disparagement. Christ's way is always perfect. But his church is not, and often rebellious, often disobedient. But the Lord is consistent. And so with a husband or wife, that we also might be consistent. In another place we are told, not be partaker of another man's sins.

I've often marveled at reading the account of our Lord Jesus Christ on earth. He as the bridegroom, and yet those that were even of his own people, even his own disciples, the walking contrary to him, they didn't believe him, sometimes were even reluctant to obey him and do what he wanted them to do. You think of our Lord to wash Peter's feet? Does Peter just submit, no he shall never wash my feet? And yet the Lord by his answer just took away all Peter's opposition and then he wanted everything washed, not just his feet. It's a beautiful example of countering where there is a reluctance or inclined to follow a direction that we answer in that greatest way, a way aimed at bringing the other one to walk according to it.

And this applies really to the husband or to a wife. Of course, there'll be situations where there'll be a godly husband, but the wife does not fear the Lord. So it's reversed in the other way. We must remember, as Paul says in the epistle to the Corinthians, that the wife is not without the husband in the Lord and the husband without the wife. We are equal as before God. It is an order that God has established, but it doesn't in any way make the wife inferior to the man, but it is an order that God has set in the creation, and it is in the marriage bond, and notice right through here, of course, it is to their own husbands, not to someone else's husband. Another man does not have a jurisdiction over another person's wife.

And the same even with us that are parents with our children, when our children leave when they have their own family, a husband and wife. Yes, the children are to honor their parents, even when we're older. But as a parent, we should not usurp their authority and be directing that family as to what they should do. They are their unique family.

Our daughter-in-law, subject to her husband, not to her husband's father. and each marriage union as that type of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. It's a great blessing if the Lord brings us from type to himself, to see the church, to see his love to the church, when as a husband we might feel to fail so much, to then see in Christ such grace, such a wonder, when as a wife we might feel to fail, and then to realise the church itself needs so much grace and so much help, and the Lord knows that with His church, and how long-suffering, how caring He is to his church. And so where there's a sense of that failure, there should not be a despondency, but really a realising of the great wonder of the Lord's love to his church, long-suffering to his church, and the church desiring to do, as in this passage, that which is pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. As we said regarding the men, you don't want to just confine to one passage. The Word of God has many instructions that apply to the wife as well as to the husband. But in nearly every case, it is our spirits that we need to watch more than anything else. To have the fear of the Lord, the spirit of the Lord, and have that aim for peace and for the Lord to bless how we walk to those who are viewing it, whether they are a husband or a wife or those who are looking on, whether our children or our neighbours or other church members.

May this word be a help, a blessing to it, May it lead us to think upon Christ, His sacrifice, His sufferings, His death, all that He endured for the Church of God. May we be desirous of being what He'd have us to be, as His bride, as one prepared for glory. Amen.

The God ordained relationship of husband and wife

Key Quotes

What does the Bible say about the relationship of husband and wife?

How do we know the doctrine of marital roles is true?

Why is the relationship between Christ and the Church important for marriage?

Sermon Transcript

About Rowland Wheatley

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The God ordained relationship of husband and wife

Key Quotes

What does the Bible say about the relationship of husband and wife?

How do we know the doctrine of marital roles is true?

Why is the relationship between Christ and the Church important for marriage?

Sermon Transcript

About Rowland Wheatley

Comments

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